What is a High-Conflict Divorce?  A High-Conflict Divorce is one hallmarked by constant fighting, where one or both parties fight for the sake of fighting without regard to the effect on the family, particularly the children. There is a lot of overlap between high-conflict divorce and personality disorders or traits such as narcissism, controlling behaviors, and lack of empathy.

When you have children with someone, you will have to communicate with them, no matter how unpleasant it may be. Here are some strategies:

1. Stick to the issue at hand

When you contact the other parent to ask about your son’s baseball game, and they respond with a 10-page email diatribe how none of this would even be happening if you weren’t such a terrible person and terrible parent, do not respond to their attack. A high-conflict person wants you trapped in a power struggle with them and if you engage, they win. Avoid the temptation to defend yourself or reply with your own attacks, and keep the discussion to the baseball game.

2. Get it in Writing

A high-conflict person may often manipulate or twist reality, even to the point of telling outright lies. Whenever possible, communicate in writing to avoid the inevitable “You never told me that,” “I didn’t say that,” or even “You threatened me.” You can use text, email, or a host of the co-parenting apps and websites that are on the market now.

3. Take the High Road

When dealing with the near-constant needling of a high-conflict person, it may be tempting to engage in your own antagonistic behavior because you are tired of feeling bullied, such as bringing your girlfriend to a visitation exchange because you know it will make your ex-wife furious, or refusing to swap visitation days with your ex-husband when his family is visiting simply because you don’t want him to get his way. In the long run, these behaviors only hurt your children. Taken to the extreme, high conflict divorce can even be lethal, like this recent news story from North Alabama.

Technology and apps have come a long way in assisting in co-parenting. Co-parenting apps can provide an essential tool to aid in communication and scheduling. Some also offer secure messaging, which is useful in high-conflict custody situations. 

If you are in a high-conflict custody situation where you have experienced a lot of litigation, it can be very difficult to cobble together emails and text messages etc. to prove who said what when, so the messaging feature would be especially useful to you. Additionally, the app shows what information was shared and when so there is an automatic record. 

Here are a few options:

1. Google Calendar

Cost: FREE

Benefits: Can create a shared calendar specifically for co-parenting issues, while also having a work or personal calendar that only you can see right on your Google calendar app on your phone. Parents can share scheduling information, extra-curricular activities, and doctor’s appointments. You can also create a recurring event for visitation schedules, so you will always know whose weekend it is.

Drawbacks: No messaging, no ability to upload documents such as expense information.

2. Our Family Wizard

Cost: $99 per year, per parent

Benefits: Has all of the calendar features of Google calendar, with the added features of secure messaging and the ability to upload expenses that need to be reimbursed such as medical bills. You can also store family information such as immunization records and insurance cards. The use of Our Family Wizard has been ordered by courts all over the United States, so it is widely considered a reliable record for communications scheduling and expenses.

Drawbacks: For cash-strapped parents, the cost can be prohibitive. Amazon indicates a lot of 1 star reviews with complaints about the app crashing, not very user friendly, and not worth the money.

3.  AppClose

Cost: FREE

Benefits: Provides all the calendar features of Google and Our Family Wizard, has secure messaging, sharing and exporting of records, and incorporated expense reimbursement through the app itself. This app has scheduling templates or you can fully customize your schedule. Online reviews are excellent and indicate that this app is very user-friendly.

Drawbacks: This app is relatively new compared to the other options, so other parents, courts, or attorneys may be more resistant or skeptical of using it.