What’s the goal?

Once you’ve booked an appointment with a family law attorney, you’ll want to prepare for your meeting.  Start by thinking long-term.  What is your goal here?  What do you want your life to look like in a year?  Think concretely about it.  Visualize the outcome.  Knowing your destination is essential to starting the journey, right?  So start there.

How will you get there? 

Once you have a goal in mind, consider what the journey will look like.  You may have to make compromises or sacrifices to achieve your goal – whether that’s a divorce or a new custody arrangement.  What are you willing to give up to make it happen?  What will you absolutely not give up?  What matters the most to you?  Our attorneys can help you understand what is possible – or impossible – in the current court system. 

What is your financial big picture?

On a more practical level, assess your financial situation.  Do you own a house?  Find out who is on the mortgage, and who is on the deed (these don’t always match).  Pull your credit report and make a list of all of your debts.  Get recent statements for credit cards, bank accounts, and retirement accounts.  In a divorce, the goal is an equitable division of assets, so you want to have the big picture in mind regarding assets and debts. You can check your tax returns for you and your spouse’s annual income – each party’s income is an important part of the picture.  Pretty much everybody that comes in needs to have their financial information at hand.  If you’re not coming in for a divorce, assets are less important than income, which is the primary factor in child support calculations.  You don’t need to provide these documents at a consultation, but you’ll use the information to fill out our Client Information Sheet.

What documents should you provide?

We may need you to send a few documents, depending on the reason you’re coming to see us.

• If you’ve already been to court, we need to see the orders currently in place.  If you have lost your hard copy, you can get copies of them for a modest fee from the clerk’s office of the court that entered your order.

• If you’ve been served papers but have not yet been to court, we’ll need copies of those.  Closely read the instructions on those documents.  Deadlines to respond start running from the day you were served.  You may also have been served with a pretrial or status quo order that tells you what you can and cannot do regarding financial accounts, payment of regular bills and expenses, and even visitation with the children.

• If you’re coming to discuss a post-divorce matter, we’ll need your Judgment of Divorce and any other subsequent orders that have been entered if you have already been back to court after your divorce was final.. 

• For custody and child support matters involving never-married parents, we’ll need your current orders (if any).

• If you’re coming for a Prenuptial or PostNuptial Agreement, be sure to talk to your partner ahead of time so you have a good idea of what the terms will be.  You’ll still need the financial details for these. 

• If your spouse has presented you with a proposed divorce agreement that they want you to sign, we need a copy of that so we can properly advise you.

Sometimes people want to send us hundreds of files of evidence of their partner’s wrongdoing, or all of their documents from a previous court case, or a report from a private investigator, for example. We don’t need all of that at a consultation, so just hang onto that information until later in the process.   

If you don’t have access to a scanner, you can use your cellphone camera to scan documents and convert them to a PDF file either directly through the camera app or by downloading a free scanner app.  Places such as Office Depot and the UPS Store can scan documents for you. Your local library probably has scanners you can use, as well. You’ll want to confirm that with your nearby branch. However, most phones have a scan option.  Sending scans is much better than sending photos.  Please don’t send photos!  They are often hard to read, and are usually much larger files than .pdfs.  For Androids, use your Google Drive app.  For iPhones, use the Notes app. 

Fill out your pre-appointment information!

At Herlihy Family Law, we send every client a Client Information Sheet in advance of their consultation.  You’ll use the link in this form to upload the documents mentioned above. 

We require that it be filled out by the day before, so that the attorney you are meeting with will be able to review this before your meeting.  You only have an hour, so give us the information ahead of time and the attorney will spend it giving legal advice, not reading your documents or having to ask you the questions that are on the information sheet.  We understand that you may not have all of the information to hand, but fill it out to the best of your knowledge.  Know that everything you tell us is absolutely confidential. Sometimes people are uncomfortable with sharing financial data, and we get that.  We wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t essential.   

Prepare to be truthful. 

On that note, plan to be open and honest at your consultation.  We may not have heard it all, but we’ve heard a lot. Don’t be embarrassed about difficulties in your relationships.  We certainly don’t need all of the details, but if something led to the rift between you and your partner, let us know.  That might be an addiction, infidelity, or abuse, for example, but of course sometimes people just don’t want to be together any more.  We can help, either way.  Rest assured, we will absolutely not be sharing your private information.

What questions do you have?

Once you’ve got your destination in mind, your information gathered, and your forms filled out, you need to start thinking about what questions you have.  Start a list – on paper, or in your phone, whatever works for you.  Keep that list handy so that you can add to it as questions arise.  Bring your list to your appointment and bring something to take notes with – again, paper, phone, whatever you are most comfortable with.  We can’t promise to answer all of your questions in your first meeting – legal questions are often answered with the phrase, “It depends.”  We should be able to answer a lot of them, though. There also may be other blog posts here on the website that answer your questions.  Take a look at those, and check out our new podcasts. 

Move forward!

Sometimes it’s hard to make that first phone call to book a consultation.  It’s a first step in a complex process.  If you want to call, we can get started on the phone, but if it’s easier to fill out a form, use the “Request a Consultation” button on the homepage to start the process.  We’re here to help you move forward.

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019.  She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English.  She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History.  After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian.  In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.

Consult an Attorney

Do it sooner, rather than later. Don’t wait until you’re at a crisis point.  You don’t have to hire one at the consultation, you can get our legal advice and then reach out to hire when you are ready.  You don’t even have to be entirely sure you’re ready to divorce, but if you’re considering it, it’s a good idea to be prepared.

In a consultation, you’ll talk about your case, your options, and how our fee structure works.  You can ask questions about child support and custody issues, for example.  Start making a list of questions to ask your attorney, and bring something to take notes with.  You’ll be getting a lot of information quickly, it’s a stressful time in your life, and taking notes will help you remember everything.

Please note that we practice in Mobile County and Baldwin County.  If you live elsewhere, you can search the Alabama Bar Association website for attorneys who practice in your area.

Gather your community

It’s a really good idea to find a counselor or therapist for yourself; having someone neutral to help you talk through the process can be beneficial.  Some people will attempt marriage counseling when they reach this stage.  If it’s an amicable decision, having someone to talk both of you through the process may be helpful.  If your situation is high-conflict, putting yourself in the way of more conflict may not be the best idea.  Some couples appreciate help negotiating the exit process.  If you try it and it feels counter-productive, you don’t have to continue. As with all counselors, your first one may not be a good fit.  You can always interview several counselors to find someone you are comfortable with.

There is no shame in getting a divorce; don’t be too embarrassed to let your closest friends or family in, particularly those that you know will be supportive and loving. You don’t have to do this alone. Even if you feel like you made bad choices, or should have known better, or whatever self-blame you might be feeling, those people who love you will be on your side.

Don’t forget self-care. This may sound trite, but you need to take care of your mental and physical health.  You may prefer exercise, meditation, knitting, or pickleball.  It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it gets you out of your day-to-day and lowers your stress level.  Keep those doctors’ appointments and do your best to eat well and get enough sleep.

Financial Preparation

We understand that sometimes one spouse will withhold financial information from the other.  Do what you can here, but don’t let a lack of access to financial data stop you from planning.  You’ll want to gather basic information from all of your bank accounts and your credit cards – know your account numbers and how to access all of the information. Do you and your spouse have retirement accounts?  Those will be important, too.  Do you have debts, such as a mortgage, student loans, or a credit card?  Be able to lay your hands on those details as well.  It’s a good idea to know who exactly is on the deed to your home, and whose names are on the mortgage.  You can pull a credit report at this point if you want to be sure you’ve covered all your bases, and you can freeze your personal credit at this point if you feel you need to.  You can also get copies of any jointly filed tax returns directly from the IRS if you do not have copies.

Do you and/or your spouse own a business?  You’ll want to have information about the value of those businesses, tax returns if you can get them, and who exactly owns them.  The more we know about your financial situation, the better we can advise you on your steps moving forward.

Do You Share Children?

Think about what kind of custody agreement will work for you and your children.  Who is the primary caregiver?  Who takes the children to doctors, school, and sports?  Who will make decisions about school, extracurriculars, and religious practices?  These are all issues that will need to be considered.

Be aware that permanently moving more than 60 miles away from your home may not be allowed by the court. Except in cases of verified neglect or abuse, both parents are entitled to time with and regular access to their children.  We also get a lot of questions about grandparents’ rights to children in divorce cases; these will not be addressed in a divorce agreement.

It’s best to stop drinking and using any recreational drugs altogether while you are going through this process, as these can be used against you in a custody case.  Be aware that even legal cannabis products will result in a positive drug test.  It is not uncommon for a judge to order a drug and/or alcohol test if the other party requests it.  Hair and fingernail tests are the most common types ordered.

Do not discuss your marriage or divorce plans with your children except in the most general terms. Do not say bad things about your spouse to your children.  Try to remain neutral, loving, and supportive.  This will be difficult, but this is also why you have found a counselor and gathered a supportive community of friends and family.  The adults in your life should be your sounding board.

Seek counseling for your children, as this will be a difficult transition.  They probably know that all is not well with their parents, and in many cases may be relieved that they don’t have to live with the stress of unhappy parents anymore.  As with your own counselor, don’t hesitate to interview a few counselors or therapists until you find a good fit.

Take Some Precautions

You should change passwords for your financial accounts, your email, your phone, and icloud (if you share a family data plan).  However, you cannot lock your spouse out of joint accounts by changing the password or taking them off of the accounts. Consider getting a new email for the purpose of communicating with your attorney and any other professionals involved in your case. This can make it easier to keep track of your conversations with your team.

This may be painful, but here goes: lock down your social media – Instagram, Facebook, everything.  Change your settings to “friends only” and then have a look at your friends list and consider whether someone knowing about your day-to-day life during this period will put you at a disadvantage, or cause unnecessary drama. You can, for example, create a smaller friend group for certain posts.  It’s really best to not discuss your case on social media at all.  You may want to consider deleting your account altogether if you cannot resist the urge to post!

If your spouse is being confrontational, aggressive, abusive, or otherwise behaving badly, document this as well as you can.  Save the evidence in a separate, cloud-based account. Screenshot text conversations (make sure the date is visible). Pro Tip: Alabama is a one-party state, so you can record conversations without your partner’s permission if you are a part of that conversation.  You cannot, however, hide a recorder to record their conversations with other people. That is illegal.  Some people think about hiring private investigators if their spouse is cheating or doing anything illegal.  It’s probably best to ask an attorney’s advice on whether this is a good idea and will be worth the expense.

Are You in Danger?

First and foremost: call the Domestic Violence hotline for help with a safety plan (1-800-799-7233).  In Mobile County, you can call the Penelope House (251-342-8994).  They are best equipped to help you exit safely.

If you are in danger, do not tell your spouse of your plans until you are ready to move out or have actually left.  In an abusive relationship, this is a particularly dangerous time.  Check your vehicle for tracking and recording devices – or ask a mechanic to do so.  You can remove these.  It’s a good idea to change your phone settings so you cannot be tracked with the phone’s GPS. You can also get a pay-as-you-go phone for your own use, so you have a phone that is not on your family phone plan.

We often hear that a spouse has told a client that if they move out, that’s considered “abandonment” and they will lose all right to their house, property, and children.  This is a common misconception.  Your safety is paramount, and you are allowed to take your children and move out. Your safety plan may include limiting the list of who can pick up your children at school. The other parent is generally allowed to be on that list unless a court order is in place.  This is a little bit of a tricky area and a good topic to seek legal advice on.

Things to Remember

The great Russian novelist began the novel Anna Karenina by saying, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”  You can’t expect your divorce to be like anyone else’s.  Everybody’s marriage is different, and so everybody’s divorce is different.  Recruiting legal and personal counsel to help you through these troubled waters will help you come out the other side in a better place.

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019.  She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English.  She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History.  After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian.  In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.