Consult an Attorney

Do it sooner, rather than later. Don’t wait until you’re at a crisis point.  You don’t have to hire one at the consultation, you can get our legal advice and then reach out to hire when you are ready.  You don’t even have to be entirely sure you’re ready to divorce, but if you’re considering it, it’s a good idea to be prepared.

In a consultation, you’ll talk about your case, your options, and how our fee structure works.  You can ask questions about child support and custody issues, for example.  Start making a list of questions to ask your attorney, and bring something to take notes with.  You’ll be getting a lot of information quickly, it’s a stressful time in your life, and taking notes will help you remember everything.

Please note that we practice in Mobile County and Baldwin County.  If you live elsewhere, you can search the Alabama Bar Association website for attorneys who practice in your area.

Gather your community

It’s a really good idea to find a counselor or therapist for yourself; having someone neutral to help you talk through the process can be beneficial.  Some people will attempt marriage counseling when they reach this stage.  If it’s an amicable decision, having someone to talk both of you through the process may be helpful.  If your situation is high-conflict, putting yourself in the way of more conflict may not be the best idea.  Some couples appreciate help negotiating the exit process.  If you try it and it feels counter-productive, you don’t have to continue. As with all counselors, your first one may not be a good fit.  You can always interview several counselors to find someone you are comfortable with.

There is no shame in getting a divorce; don’t be too embarrassed to let your closest friends or family in, particularly those that you know will be supportive and loving. You don’t have to do this alone. Even if you feel like you made bad choices, or should have known better, or whatever self-blame you might be feeling, those people who love you will be on your side.

Don’t forget self-care. This may sound trite, but you need to take care of your mental and physical health.  You may prefer exercise, meditation, knitting, or pickleball.  It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it gets you out of your day-to-day and lowers your stress level.  Keep those doctors’ appointments and do your best to eat well and get enough sleep.

Financial Preparation

We understand that sometimes one spouse will withhold financial information from the other.  Do what you can here, but don’t let a lack of access to financial data stop you from planning.  You’ll want to gather basic information from all of your bank accounts and your credit cards – know your account numbers and how to access all of the information. Do you and your spouse have retirement accounts?  Those will be important, too.  Do you have debts, such as a mortgage, student loans, or a credit card?  Be able to lay your hands on those details as well.  It’s a good idea to know who exactly is on the deed to your home, and whose names are on the mortgage.  You can pull a credit report at this point if you want to be sure you’ve covered all your bases, and you can freeze your personal credit at this point if you feel you need to.  You can also get copies of any jointly filed tax returns directly from the IRS if you do not have copies.

Do you and/or your spouse own a business?  You’ll want to have information about the value of those businesses, tax returns if you can get them, and who exactly owns them.  The more we know about your financial situation, the better we can advise you on your steps moving forward.

Do You Share Children?

Think about what kind of custody agreement will work for you and your children.  Who is the primary caregiver?  Who takes the children to doctors, school, and sports?  Who will make decisions about school, extracurriculars, and religious practices?  These are all issues that will need to be considered.

Be aware that permanently moving more than 60 miles away from your home may not be allowed by the court. Except in cases of verified neglect or abuse, both parents are entitled to time with and regular access to their children.  We also get a lot of questions about grandparents’ rights to children in divorce cases; these will not be addressed in a divorce agreement.

It’s best to stop drinking and using any recreational drugs altogether while you are going through this process, as these can be used against you in a custody case.  Be aware that even legal cannabis products will result in a positive drug test.  It is not uncommon for a judge to order a drug and/or alcohol test if the other party requests it.  Hair and fingernail tests are the most common types ordered.

Do not discuss your marriage or divorce plans with your children except in the most general terms. Do not say bad things about your spouse to your children.  Try to remain neutral, loving, and supportive.  This will be difficult, but this is also why you have found a counselor and gathered a supportive community of friends and family.  The adults in your life should be your sounding board.

Seek counseling for your children, as this will be a difficult transition.  They probably know that all is not well with their parents, and in many cases may be relieved that they don’t have to live with the stress of unhappy parents anymore.  As with your own counselor, don’t hesitate to interview a few counselors or therapists until you find a good fit.

Take Some Precautions

You should change passwords for your financial accounts, your email, your phone, and icloud (if you share a family data plan).  However, you cannot lock your spouse out of joint accounts by changing the password or taking them off of the accounts. Consider getting a new email for the purpose of communicating with your attorney and any other professionals involved in your case. This can make it easier to keep track of your conversations with your team.

This may be painful, but here goes: lock down your social media – Instagram, Facebook, everything.  Change your settings to “friends only” and then have a look at your friends list and consider whether someone knowing about your day-to-day life during this period will put you at a disadvantage, or cause unnecessary drama. You can, for example, create a smaller friend group for certain posts.  It’s really best to not discuss your case on social media at all.  You may want to consider deleting your account altogether if you cannot resist the urge to post!

If your spouse is being confrontational, aggressive, abusive, or otherwise behaving badly, document this as well as you can.  Save the evidence in a separate, cloud-based account. Screenshot text conversations (make sure the date is visible). Pro Tip: Alabama is a one-party state, so you can record conversations without your partner’s permission if you are a part of that conversation.  You cannot, however, hide a recorder to record their conversations with other people. That is illegal.  Some people think about hiring private investigators if their spouse is cheating or doing anything illegal.  It’s probably best to ask an attorney’s advice on whether this is a good idea and will be worth the expense.

Are You in Danger?

First and foremost: call the Domestic Violence hotline for help with a safety plan (1-800-799-7233).  In Mobile County, you can call the Penelope House (251-342-8994).  They are best equipped to help you exit safely.

If you are in danger, do not tell your spouse of your plans until you are ready to move out or have actually left.  In an abusive relationship, this is a particularly dangerous time.  Check your vehicle for tracking and recording devices – or ask a mechanic to do so.  You can remove these.  It’s a good idea to change your phone settings so you cannot be tracked with the phone’s GPS. You can also get a pay-as-you-go phone for your own use, so you have a phone that is not on your family phone plan.

We often hear that a spouse has told a client that if they move out, that’s considered “abandonment” and they will lose all right to their house, property, and children.  This is a common misconception.  Your safety is paramount, and you are allowed to take your children and move out. Your safety plan may include limiting the list of who can pick up your children at school. The other parent is generally allowed to be on that list unless a court order is in place.  This is a little bit of a tricky area and a good topic to seek legal advice on.

Things to Remember

The great Russian novelist began the novel Anna Karenina by saying, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”  You can’t expect your divorce to be like anyone else’s.  Everybody’s marriage is different, and so everybody’s divorce is different.  Recruiting legal and personal counsel to help you through these troubled waters will help you come out the other side in a better place.

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019.  She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English.  She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History.  After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian.  In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.