What to Do Immediately After Divorce: 7 Essential Steps to Take

by Alison Herlihy | Apr 8, 2024 | Alabama, Divorce, Significant Decisions

What to Do Immediately After Divorce: 7 Essential Steps to Take

Going through a divorce often leaves people with a lot of questions and uncertainty. One of the first things you might be wondering is what to do immediately after divorce.

Divorce is one of the hardest things you can experience in life. Research has shown that it ranks second only to the death of a loved one in terms of traumatic life events. Given this information, it is no surprise that you might feel grief, depression, confusion, and loss after your divorce.

Here at Herlihy Family Law, we think of divorce as not merely an ending, but a new beginning, a fresh start. Your divorce can be your opportunity to write new chapter in your life.

1. Rebuilding Your Life

How do you rebuild your life after a divorce? First of all, consider it an opportunity to start over without all the conflict and strife that led you to divorce in the first place. You can create your life in your own image – that is an opportunity!

Take an inventory of the resources you have from your divorce, so you can know what you have and what you need to start over. You have a lot of big decisions to make, from where to live to how to raise your children in this new family dynamic.

Consider what your priorities are and make choices that will help you meet your goals and generate long-term happiness and well-being in your life.

2. Taking Care of Yourself

Like they say on airplanes, put your oxygen mask on yourself before trying to assist others. You need to not only survive but thrive to be the best person and parent you can be (if you have children).

You have been through a lot, and it is important to give yourself the time and space you need to emotionally recover from your divorce. Get plenty of rest, and maybe even take a vacation. Adopt other self-care strategies such as meditation, spending time outside, exercise, or journaling.

Avoid negative coping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, junk food, shopping, or rushing into a new relationship when you are not ready. Try to think about not what might feel good right this second, but what will make you feel good tomorrow, next week, or next year.

3. Establishing a Support Network

Divorce may make you feel alone, but if you turn to your left and your right, odds are, you will see someone else who has been divorced and understands what you are going through.

Family and friends can be a great support system, but on the off chance that the people in your immediate network have not experienced divorce, there are plenty of support groups in person and online full of people who have gone through a divorce just like you.

When you are looking for your support network after your divorce, look for people who are ready, willing, and able to listen and be empathetic, but not try to “fix” you – you aren’t broken, you are just divorced.

4. Handling Financial Matters

If you have received a financial settlement from your divorce, you need to make a plan for your assets that will provide long-term security. Many people who get divorced end up with half the equity in their marital home.

Typically, you would use those funds as a down payment on your new home. Today, mortgage interest rates are very high, so you may decide that it is not the best time to buy and you want to invest the money instead.

You might also receive a portion of your spouse’s retirement account. It is important to understand that, if you are under age 59 ½ , you cannot receive retirement funds as cash without paying substantial taxes and penalties. Thinking long term, you likely want to plan to roll any retirement funds you receive in your divorce over to an Individual Retirement Account because you can do so without taxes and penalties.

Speaking of taxes, you will have a new tax filing status after your divorce. You can only file income tax returns as “married” if you were still married on December 31st of that tax year. After your divorce, you can file as single or possibly as head of household if you have minor children who live with you.

If you are employed, you will need to contact your payroll department to make sure they are withholding the correct amount of taxes from your paycheck due to your new status.

You will also need to go through the process of separating any joint bills such as utilities, car insurance, and cellphones once you are divorced.

5. Co-Parenting Strategies

Figuring out co-parenting can be one of the most challenging aspects of life after divorce. It is best for your children if you and your former spouse can cooperate and work together to make mutual decisions that benefit your children and serve their best interests. \

Parents who continue to constantly fight and argue after divorce are often referred to as “high conflict.” There is a huge amount of research that shows that children of “high conflict” parents suffer poor outcomes throughout their life, including higher instances of depression and anxiety, difficulty in relationships throughout their life, and they are even less likely to go to college. You obviously do not want any of that!

Children of divorce will thrive every bit as much as children of intact marriages, if their parents can find a way to avoid high conflict and co-parent effectively after divorce.

6. Seeking Professional Help

If you are not sure how to navigate all the changes that follow a divorce, it is time to seek professional help. Your divorce lawyer can be a tremendous resource in exploring your options and referring you to other professionals, provided your divorce lawyer is very experienced in divorce.

If you feel lost in making financial decisions, you can contact a Certified Public Accountant (CPA) or a financial planner or advisor. They can help you figure out your taxes and make smart decisions on how to invest your money and save for the future.

If you are struggling with your own emotions following your divorce, seek the help of an individual therapist. Therapists are professionals who are skilled in helping guide people through challenging times. There is no shame in seeking help if you need it!

Your children may need individual therapy as well if they are struggling to adjust to the major changes that come with divorce.

If your challenge revolves around co-parenting, finding a therapist who specializes in family counseling and/or co-parenting would be a good fit for your situation.

7. Embracing the Future

Above all else, divorce is a fresh start. Divorce is an opportunity to embrace a new future – one that you create in service of your own goals, dreams, and values.

If you are going through a divorce and wondering what to do immediately after divorce, use these steps as your guide. If you have any questions about divorce and navigating your post-divorce life and you want a divorce attorney who can help you not only with your divorce but also provide a post-divorce checklist to get you on the right track, reach out to our team.

Author: Alison Herlihy

Family law attorney Alison Herlihy is a native of Mobile, Alabama. Alison has engaged in the private practice of family law since 2005, focusing primarily on domestic relations, divorce and child support, child custody law, adoption law, juvenile, probate practice, and wills.

Alison Baxter Herlihy earned the prestigious AV Preeminent peer review rating from Martindale-Hubbell, which recognizes attorneys for the highest levels of legal ability and professional ethical standards. Alison is a certified Guardian Ad Litem. In 2015, Alison became a Registered Mediator on the Alabama State Court Mediator Roster, in both general and domestic relations mediation.

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4 Signs That it is Time to Get Divorced

by Alison Herlihy | Jan 15, 2024 | Divorce, Family, Family Law, Significant Decisions

4 Signs That it is Time to Get Divorced

How do you know when it is time to get divorced? There are several signs that it is time to get divorced and we will cover four of the most common signs of divorce in this article.

Divorce is one of the most serious and difficult decisions you can make, and only you can decide if you are ready to get divorced. Even though every case and every marriage is different, we have seen a lot of common themes over the years that indicate it is time to get divorced.

Here are four signs that it is time to get divorced:

Winning is everything

Believe it or not, it is normal for couples to argue from time to time. In fact, it may be a concerning sign if you never argue!

If your arguments get to the point that solving the issue at hand is not the goal, but rather winning and shifting blame is all that matters, then it may be time to get divorced.

Being willing to work hard to resolve your disagreements and come to a mutual resolution is a sign of a healthy relationship.

Just a few examples:

If your partner constantly criticizes you and nothing you ever do is good enough, even though they are not perfect.
If you or your partner becomes focused more on evidence and facts rather than feelings; i.e. you cannot communicate your unhappiness and stress without them bringing receipts to prove your feelings are wrong.
If you raise an issue or concern and they immediately change the subject to shift blame to you, such as “I only yelled at you because you won’t clean up the kitchen!”
Whataboutism – every time you raise an issue of concern they are ready with a laundry list of everything they think you have ever done wrong.

If you and/or your partner would rather be right than happy, it may be time to get divorced.

Avoidance and Absence

If you and your partner are coexisting in the same space and not communicating, it may be time to get divorced. In a partnership, your partner is your go-to person that you can confide in and lean on when times get tough.

If you don’t want to confide in them or lean on them, or you can’t, that is a sign that your relationship is over. You may find yourselves wanting to get emotional support from others, or not wanting to check in with them on how they are doing. They don’t answer the phone when you call or respond to your texts.

Basic communication and courtesy break down or no longer exists. That might mean your heart, or theirs, is not in the marriage anymore.

If you or your partner choose to change your habits so that you are physically not around each other as much, that can also be a sign that it is time to get divorced.

For instance, if your partner faithfully got home at 5:30pm for years and now they never get home until after the kids are in bed, that can be a sign that they do not want to be home and that their attention is elsewhere.

Or, they become so invested in spending time on their hobbies or friends to the extent that they are neglecting their time with their spouse and/or their children.

People can choose to withdraw themselves from a marriage by both avoidance and their physical absence. If this is your situation, it may be time to get divorced.

Physical violence

Once things are at the point where conflicts escalate to physical violence, that is a good sign that it is time to get divorced.

Everyone has the right to physical safety as a basic need, especially in their own home, and if that cannot be guaranteed in your marriage then the marriage is not a healthy one.

If you and/or your spouse think it is a good idea to resolve marital conflicts with violence, it is probably best for both of you to go your separate ways with a divorce, not only because of the physical and mental risk of harm, but also because of the risk of legal repercussions.

To some of us, it may seem extremely obvious that physical violence is a sign that it is time to get divorced.

However, there are a multitude of reasons that people do not leave violent situations. They may be financially dependent on the perpetrator or afraid to leave.

Many people have grown up in homes where violence is a regular occurrence, so when violence occurs in their relationship, it may not be obvious to them that it is time to get divorced because violence was so normalized in their family of origin.

Most importantly, if you have children, you have to consider what kind of relationships you are modeling for them. If your children are growing up with the lesson that love and violence go hand in hand, then it is time to go your separate ways and file for divorce.

Your therapist or marriage counselor tells you to get out

Most therapists or marriage counselors want to give their clients the tools and coping mechanisms to solve their problems and find their path toward a happy and fulfilling life. They are not there to tell you what to do.

If your therapist tells you it is time to get divorced for your well-being, you should seriously consider their concerns.

A marriage counselor sees both spouses and is there to try and help the spouses mend their relationship and save their marriage.

If a marriage counselor takes you aside and tells you it would be in your best interests to end the relationship, that can be a really strong sign that it is time to file for divorce.

Author: Alison Herlihy

Family law attorney Alison Herlihy is a native of Mobile, Alabama. Alison has engaged in the private practice of family law since 2005, focusing primarily on domestic relations, divorce and child support, child custody law, adoption law, juvenile, probate practice, and wills.

Alison Baxter Herlihy earned the prestigious AV Preeminent peer review rating from Martindale-Hubbell, which recognizes attorneys for the highest levels of legal ability and professional ethical standards. Alison is a certified Guardian Ad Litem. In 2015, Alison became a Registered Mediator on the Alabama State Court Mediator Roster, in both general and domestic relations mediation.

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Top 2 Mistakes Made When Getting Divorced Without An Attorney

by Alison Herlihy | Jul 24, 2023 | Alabama, Child Support, Children, Custody, Division of Assets, Divorce, Family Law, Significant Decisions, Uncategorized

Top 2 Mistakes Made When Getting Divorced Without An Attorney

What if there are no attorneys involved at all?

In recent years, there has been a proliferation of websites and services that promise they will sell you a simple and easy set of “do-it-yourself” divorce papers for as low as $99!

Have you ever heard of that old saying – you get what you pay for? Well, that is as true in the legal world as anywhere else.

We have represented countless clients over the years who purchase “do-it-yourself” divorce papers from an online service only to find that the papers are not in compliance with state and local requirements.

In Alabama, there are several other forms required along with your signed agreement when you file an uncontested divorce. In every divorce case, the Defendant must sign an answer and waiver form, and you must prepare a proposed Judgment of Divorce order for the judge to sign.

If you have children, there are even more forms that are required by the State of Alabama, including CS-41 income affidavit forms for both parties, CS-42 child support guidelines, and a CS-43 notice of compliance form.

Additionally, when you have children, the agreement itself has numerous required provisions that must be included, such as that both parties must attend a parenting class, specific language for an income withholding order for child support, and the entire text of the Alabama Parent-Child Relationship Protection Act.

If you file your divorce papers with no attorneys involved, and the paperwork is incorrect, the Clerk of Court will flag the paperwork and it will not even be sent to the child until the paperwork is corrected.

Here is the catch – the clerk of court cannot give you legal advice to explain to you how to correct the paperwork, so oftentimes clients end up hiring our office to re-file the correct paperwork after they have already had to pay for a “do-it-yourself” divorce.

If your paperwork is incorrect and your filing is flagged, the clerk will set a deadline in your case called a “disposition docket,” which means you have until that date to submit corrected paperwork.

If you don’t meet the deadline, your case will be dismissed. If your case gets dismissed, and you have to re-file for divorce, you will have to pay a second filing fee to the court.

The moral of the story is, if neither party has an attorney, you might end up having to pay for your divorce twice.

What if my spouse has an attorney and I don’t?

In Alabama, divorce lawyers are not ethically permitted to represent both parties in a divorce case. Even if you agree on everything, a lawyer can only represent one party.

I cannot begin to count all the clients I have met with over the years who have told me, “When we got divorced, we used the same attorney.” I end up having to explain to them that that means their spouse had an attorney, and they did not.

This type of client is typically in my office because they did not understand the agreement they signed or they are dissatisfied with it in some way. Unfortunately for this client, there are limited circumstances under which you can change the terms of a divorce decree by an agreement that has already been entered by the court.

Often, these clients are stuck with unfavorable terms that they agreed to because they chose to sign an agreement without getting legal advice. Any terms of your divorce that are related to assets and debts are final when the divorce is final, and are not modifiable.

Terms of your divorce that relate to child custody, visitation, and child support can be modified but only if there has occurred a sufficient change in circumstances since the divorce was granted.

If your spouse hires a lawyer to draft up the paperwork, your choices are either (a) get your own lawyer, or (b) proceed without a lawyer.

If you choose to proceed without a lawyer, that means you have no one to obtain legal advice from if you have questions about what you are legally entitled to or what is fair. Your spouse’s lawyer’s job is to do what is best for your spouse, not you.

For example, say you and your spouse jointly own your marital home together, with both of your names on the deed and mortgage. You agree your spouse can keep the house, and their lawyer draws up a divorce agreement that says you will deed the property over to your spouse.

If you choose not to obtain your own legal advice, you may not know or understand that signing a deed will not remove your name from the mortgage.

As stated earlier, matters related to assets and debts are not modifiable.

This means that you are now stuck with your name on a joint mortgage with your ex-spouse! If they make the payments late, this will hurt your credit. Even if they make the payments on time, having your name on this mortgage may prevent you from being able to qualify for your own mortgage for years to come.

As you can see from the very common example above, even a one-time consultation with their own divorce lawyer could have saved this client from a very costly mistake.

If you are considering divorce and you’re not sure if you should hire a divorce lawyer, schedule a private consultation with one of our experienced divorce attorneys today.

Author: Alison Herlihy

Family law attorney Alison Herlihy is a native of Mobile, Alabama. Alison has engaged in the private practice of family law since 2005, focusing primarily on domestic relations, divorce and child support, child custody law, adoption law, juvenile, probate practice, and wills.

Alison Baxter Herlihy earned the prestigious AV Preeminent peer review rating from Martindale-Hubbell, which recognizes attorneys for the highest levels of legal ability and professional ethical standards. Alison is a certified Guardian Ad Litem. In 2015, Alison became a Registered Mediator on the Alabama State Court Mediator Roster, in both general and domestic relations mediation.

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6 things to look for to find the best divorce lawyer

by mighty | Jan 24, 2019 | Divorce, Family, Family Law, Legal Advice, Significant Decisions

6 things to look for to find the best divorce lawyer

First of all, what exactly is family law? Family Law is an umbrella term that applies to any type of dispute that affects families, such as divorce, child support, child custody, adoption, termination of parental rights, petitions for protection from abuse, alimony, pre and post-nuptial agreements, and more. It can also include wills, powers of attorney, health care directives, guardianships, and conservatorships.

1. Ask your family and friends

Experts currently put the divorce rate at around 39 percent, so the odds are that someone very close to you has been through a divorce. Ask them what divorce lawyer in Mobile they used and what their experience was like. Keep in mind that every person and every case is different, so the lawyer that may have been a good fit for them and their situation, may or may not be the best lawyer for you.

2. Research online

There is a wealth of information online about attorneys. If they have a website, you can learn about their background and what kind of work they do. You may also have the opportunity to read some of their writing or watch them speak in a video (like on this blog). If they do not have a website or you cannot find them online at all, that may not be a good sign.

In the Mobile, Alabama area, a lot of solo practitioners and older attorneys do not have websites, but it is not necessarily a reflection on their qualifications. It is easy for clients to post reviews about attorneys, so the process and the person is not quite as mysterious as they once were. This means it is also easy for a person who is disgruntled about their situation to hop online and blame their attorney, so online reviews need to be taken with a grain of salt too.

3. Check with the bar association

Information about attorney discipline, which is whether they have been sanctioned by the bar association for ethical violations, can now be found online at alabar.org.

4. Call their office

If you cannot get anyone on the phone or you leave a message and no one calls you back, that does not bode well for future communication and responsiveness. Some solo attorneys may not have any staff or have a small staff, so do not be alarmed if you have to leave a voicemail when you call. If you do not get a return call within 24 hours, it is probably a good idea to look elsewhere. Once you make contact, you can ask questions about consultation fees and the types of cases they take.

5. Meet with them

There is a wide mix of personalities in the legal world, just like everywhere else, so it might be a good idea to try and meet with a couple of attorneys. You will be working with this person a lot, and they may be an excellent attorney, but it is not going to work for you if you and the attorney do not mesh well.

6. Watch for red flags

An attorney can never “guarantee” a particular outcome in a case, so if the attorney is promising you the sun, moon, and stars, beware. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is!

4 common mistakes to avoid during your divorce

by mighty | Jan 24, 2019 | Divorce, Family, Family Law, Legal Advice, Significant Decisions

4 common mistakes to avoid during your divorce

1. Not Keeping Good Records

Divorce can be a very chaotic, confusing, and stressful time. It may be more difficult than usual to remember everything that is going on or what you need to do, but ironically, it is more important than ever. A divorce case may be pending for a year or more, which only increases the difficulty.

I ask my clients to keep a log or a journal of significant events that occur while their case is pending. It can also help jog your memory of important information you need to share with your lawyer. You also need to keep records of support payments or other matters that may be disputed, such as what days which person had the children in their care.

2. Not Maintaining Clear Communication with Your Spouse

You are getting divorced, so it is safe to say communication between you and your spouse has been a problem to one degree or another. Also, spouses may use phone conversations as a pretext to start fights or cause conflict.

When you communicate with your spouse about important matters, it is a good idea to keep it in writing, such as text or email, or at least memorialize it in writing. This can be a simple as a short email that says “This will confirm we agreed you are picking Susie up this Friday at 5:00 p.m.”

3. Putting too Much Information on Social Media

Social media is great for keeping up with family and friends, sharing photos etc but it can be a trap for a lot of people. Social media is NOT the place to broadcast the details of your divorce. No matter how secure your privacy setting are, someone on your friends list will pass information about your activities on to your spouse if they think it will be helpful to them.

When you post a rant about what a jerk your spouse it or post pictures and activities of you and the person you are having an affair with, your children will see it, your children’s teachers and friend’s parents will see it, and your boss and co-workers will see it. If you need to vent, contact a trusted friend or family member or a therapist. Keep it private!

4. Forgetting that Your Spouse is Gathering Evidence Against You

When you get divorced, you and your spouse are opposing parties in a lawsuit. They can and will use every opportunity to gather evidence to use against you. They will be saving your texts and emails. They may be audio and or video recording you. It is very easy to do on your cellphone!

No matter how angry or upset you get, you need to keep this in mind. Do not say anything to your spouse that you would not want everyone, including the judge in your case to hear.

Upcoming Changes in Alimony and Taxation

by mighty | Nov 8, 2018 | Children, Divorce, Family, Family Law, Legal Advice, Significant Decisions

Under the new Tax Cuts and Jobs Act (TCJA), alimony will no longer be tax-deductible effective January 2019. Currently, alimony or spousal support payments are deductible to the payer and taxable to the payee. This applies to all current divorce or support orders and any that are signed through December 31, 2018. Effective January 1, 2019, in all new orders entered, alimony is not deductible to the payer or taxable to the payee. The TCJA also specifically provides that the tax treatment of a prior alimony payment may be modified to take the new tax treatment into account, but only if the parties agree. Modifications must specifically state that the TCJA tax treatment of alimony payments now applies.

With this deadline approaching, you may want to consider either proceeding with your divorce before the end of the year, or waiting until 2019, depending on how the taxation affects you. It may also be time for you to consider a modification of a prior order. Contact our office for a consultation if you think this applies to you.

Other resources on this issue:

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/new-tax-law-eliminates-alimony-deductions-but-not-for-everybody-2018-01-23

https://www.kiplinger.com/article/taxes/T055-C005-S001-under-the-new-tax-law-is-my-alimony-tax-free.html