Podcast Episode #6: The Hidden Role of Parenting Coordinators in High-Conflict Divorces with Guest Caroline Taylor, LPC

by mighty | Jun 13, 2025 | Alabama, Children, Custody, Divorce, Family, Family Law

Podcast Episode #6: The Hidden Role of Parenting Coordinators in High-Conflict Divorces with Guest Caroline Taylor, LPC

In Episode 6 of the Herlihy Family Law Podcast, Attorney Alison Herlihy dives into the essential role of parenting coordinators in divorce and custody cases, welcoming Caroline Taylor, an experienced parenting coordinator, as her guest. With a background in child development and counseling, Caroline brings years of expertise in helping families navigate conflict and build healthier co-parenting dynamics. This episode sheds light on how parenting coordinators support families, the unique challenges they address, and the benefits they provide.

What Is a Parenting Coordinator?

A parenting coordinator is a neutral third party who works with families in high-conflict divorce or custody cases to improve communication, resolve disagreements, and create practical parenting solutions. Unlike mediators, who focus on facilitating agreements during a single session, parenting coordinators take a more ongoing role, addressing conflicts as they arise and working toward long-term solutions. Parenting coordinators also differ from guardians ad litem, who advocate specifically for the child’s best interests in court. Instead, parenting coordinators aim to balance the needs of the entire family system.

In Alabama, there is no specific statute defining the role of parenting coordinators, meaning their responsibilities can vary depending on the court order or agreement. Generally, they assist with decisions about parenting duties, such as extracurricular activities, schedules, and communication strategies. In cases of impasse, they may even make recommendations to the court based on their observations.

When Are Parenting Coordinators Used?

Parenting coordinators are typically brought into cases involving high conflict, where parents struggle to reach agreements on their own. These cases often involve repeated court modifications, substance abuse concerns, or mental health challenges. However, parenting coordinators can also play a valuable role in collaborative divorces, where parents aim to create a cooperative parenting plan without litigation. By facilitating communication and offering structured guidance, parenting coordinators help parents avoid frequent court appearances and focus on the well-being of their children.

Key Issues Parenting Coordinators Address

One of the primary areas parenting coordinators focus on is improving communication between parents. Divorce often stems from a breakdown in communication, and rebuilding this foundation is crucial for effective co-parenting. Parenting coordinators work to establish a business-like, emotion-free approach to communication, helping parents shift their focus from interpersonal conflicts to problem-solving for the benefit of their children.

Other issues that parenting coordinators address include:

Navigating substance abuse or mental health challenges within the family.
Managing supervised visitation arrangements and monitoring progress.
Collaborating with therapists, attorneys, and other professionals to create a cohesive plan for the family.
Offering solutions for day-to-day parenting conflicts, such as scheduling or decision-making about extracurricular activities.

By fostering a solutions-oriented approach, parenting coordinators help families create a new structure and set of rules to follow after divorce or custody modifications.

The Benefits of Parenting Coordination

Parenting coordinators offer numerous benefits for families navigating tough situations. They provide a faster, more efficient alternative to court hearings for resolving conflicts, which can be especially important in cases involving complex family dynamics. Additionally, they help establish a healthier co-parenting framework, reducing the emotional toll on children and creating a stable environment for them to thrive.

Another key benefit is the objectivity that parenting coordinators bring to the process. While their role may not always feel “fair” to both parents, it is always focused on what is best for the family as a whole, particularly the children. This objectivity can also serve as valuable evidence for the court, should the need arise.

Preparing to Work with a Parenting Coordinator

To make the most of parenting coordination, parents should approach the process with an open mind and a willingness to compromise. It’s important to recognize that parenting coordination is not therapy—it’s a practical, problem-solving process. Parents should come prepared with clear ideas about their positions but also be ready to collaborate for the benefit of their family.

When selecting a parenting coordinator, it’s essential to vet their education, training, and experience. In Alabama, where no specific statute governs the role, parents should ensure their chosen coordinator adheres to professional guidelines and has the necessary qualifications.

Final Thoughts

Parenting coordinators play a vital role in helping families navigate high-conflict custody and divorce cases. By fostering communication, offering practical solutions, and keeping the focus on the children, they provide families with the tools to move forward in a healthier, more cooperative way.

If you’re facing family law challenges and want to learn more about parenting coordination, tune in to the Herlihy Family Law Podcast. You can also contact Herlihy Family Law for expert legal guidance or reach out to Caroline Taylor for parenting coordination services. Visit herlihyfamilylaw.com or call 251-432-7909 to take the first step toward a better future for your family.

Podcast Episode #5: Yoga for Difficult Transitions

by mighty | May 8, 2025 | Alabama, Custody, Divorce, Family Law

Podcast Episode #5: Yoga for Difficult Transitions

Going through a major life change—like a divorce—can be overwhelming and emotionally exhausting. In Episode 5 of the Herlihy Family Law Podcast, Attorney Alison Herlihy speaks with Elizabeth McCraw, co-owner of Kindred Yoga in Midtown Mobile, about how yoga can support people during these challenging times. Their conversation sheds light on how yoga offers more than physical movement—it’s a practice that cultivates emotional resilience, clarity, and a deeper connection with oneself.

Elizabeth’s Yoga Journey and Kindred

Elizabeth first discovered yoga on her 29th birthday, and from that initial class, her love for the practice quickly evolved into a passion for building community. Over time, she worked her way from student to studio manager, and eventually, she brought her own vision to life with Kindred Yoga. Her goal was to create a welcoming neighborhood studio where meaningful connection and personal growth were just as important as the physical practice.

Kindred Yoga was designed with community at its core. It’s a space where students are supported not just in their practice but in life—especially during seasons of uncertainty and transformation.

Yoga’s Unique Benefits for Mental Health

Yoga stands apart from other forms of exercise by offering support on multiple levels—physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual. It integrates movement, breath work, mindfulness, and self-reflection to help individuals develop emotional awareness and regulation.

Rather than just focusing on physical fitness, yoga encourages a deeper level of self-inquiry. Students begin to notice how they react to discomfort, uncertainty, or difficulty—on the mat and in life. This increased self-awareness fosters patience, compassion, and resilience.

Yoga is also highly adaptable. From gentle chair yoga to more dynamic flows, there’s a version of the practice accessible to everyone, regardless of age, ability, or experience.

Navigating Divorce with Yoga Practice

Divorce is one of the most emotionally taxing events a person can experience. During times like these, yoga becomes more than just a form of exercise—it becomes a grounding tool.

In the studio, students face new and often challenging physical movements. Navigating these moments with mindfulness and self-compassion helps build the mental flexibility to approach life’s difficulties with greater clarity. Over time, the lessons learned through yoga—such as using tools, adapting to change, and practicing kindness toward oneself—begin to extend far beyond the mat.

Building Consistency During Major Life Changes

Establishing a new routine during times of upheaval can feel daunting. That’s why it’s helpful to start small. Committing to just one class a week can create a manageable entry point and allow space to build a routine that feels sustainable.

Kindred Yoga makes this process easier through their new student special—a month of unlimited classes—so new students can explore different styles and times without pressure. With a wide variety of classes offered every day of the week, it’s possible to find something that fits any schedule, even during the busiest or most unpredictable seasons.

Breathwork for Stress Reduction

Breathwork is one of the simplest and most effective ways to reduce stress. Techniques like box breathing (inhaling, holding, exhaling, and pausing for equal counts) can calm the nervous system and are easy to incorporate into daily life.

Whether it’s before a court appearance, after a difficult conversation, or in the middle of a sleepless night, conscious breathing helps regulate emotions and restore a sense of control. Breathwork can also be used to boost energy and focus when needed, offering a flexible tool to meet a range of emotional states.

Community Healing and Emotional Resilience

At Kindred Yoga, community is just as important as the individual practice. The studio creates opportunities for connection—whether through group classes, events, or even casual conversations before and after class. This sense of belonging helps counter feelings of isolation, especially during difficult life transitions.

The studio also offers classes and workshops that emphasize emotional resilience, including yin yoga, restorative yoga, and guided yoga nidra. These slower, quieter practices help students stay present with themselves and build inner strength through stillness and reflection.

In addition to regular classes, Kindred hosts book clubs, breathwork series, meditation workshops, and an annual day-long retreat—all designed to help students build emotional awareness, reduce stress, and stay connected to themselves and others.

Yoga isn’t just about movement—it’s a path to rediscovering your inner strength and building a life that feels grounded, intentional, and whole. Whether you’re navigating a divorce or simply seeking a safe, supportive space to reconnect with yourself, Kindred Yoga offers a welcoming place to begin.

To explore class options or learn more, visit Kindred Yoga. And if you found this conversation helpful, be sure to subscribe to the Herlihy Family Law Podcast, leave a review, and share with someone who might benefit from a little extra support.

Podcast Episode #4: How United Way Supports Families in Crisis with Guest Justine Herlihy Bixler

by mighty | Apr 10, 2025 | Alabama, Custody, Divorce, Family Law

Podcast Episode #4: How United Way Supports Families in Crisis with Guest Justine Herlihy Bixler

In the latest episode of the Herlihy Family Law Podcast, attorney Alison Herlihy sits down with a very special guest—her sister, Justine Herlihy Bixler, President and CEO of United Way of Southwest Alabama. This inspiring conversation explores the critical work United Way does to uplift families, support children, and build a resilient, thriving community throughout Mobile and the surrounding counties.

A Legacy of Service

Justine shares how her journey into nonprofit work was sparked by her early experiences in the legal field—particularly while working on claims related to the BP oil spill. Witnessing firsthand how economic hardship can strike unexpectedly, she felt a calling to create a safety net for people in crisis. That mission has led her to United Way, where she now oversees programs and partnerships that directly impact more than 300,000 people annually across Mobile, Clarke, Choctaw, and Washington Counties.

United Way’s Four Impact Areas

Justine explains United Way’s mission to improve quality of life by focusing on four key areas:

Health – Ensuring access to physical and mental health care.
Financial Stability – Supporting families through crises and helping them build long-term economic security.
Resilient Communities – Strengthening the community’s ability to respond to both personal and large-scale disasters.
Youth Opportunity – Empowering children and young adults to reach their full potential, especially during critical early development years.

Resources for Families in Transition

Alison and Justine delve into how divorce can bring unexpected financial and emotional strain—and how United Way and its partner agencies can help. Justine highlights several resources that could benefit families navigating difficult transitions:

2-1-1 Help Line – A 24/7 confidential service that connects individuals to local nonprofits offering everything from food assistance to childcare and healthcare services. It’s like a matchmaking app for needs and resources.
Lifelines Counseling Services – Offers counseling for adults and children, as well as financial coaching and homebuying support.
Penelope House – Provides emergency and transitional shelter, counseling, and support for victims of domestic violence.
Feeding the Gulf Coast – Tackles food insecurity with weekend and summer backpack programs for children who rely on school meals.
The Basics Program – Delivers free, science-based text message tips to caregivers of children ages 0–5 to support early brain development.

These services—many of which are available to anyone regardless of income—create a safety net that families can rely on during tough times, including after divorce or custody challenges.

How to Get Involved

Justine encourages listeners to get involved in ways that go beyond writing a check:

Volunteer Connect – United Way’s platform to match individuals with local volunteer opportunities based on their interests.
Emerging Leaders Program – A network of young professionals committed to improving quality of life through community service and leadership.
Corporate Involvement – Businesses can support United Way by encouraging employee involvement in giving campaigns, volunteer panels, and community initiatives.

A Vision for the Future

As United Way of Southwest Alabama approaches its 100th anniversary, Justine reflects on the honor of leading an organization so deeply embedded in the fabric of the community. With a focus on creating lasting change—not just temporary fixes—United Way is committed to helping families not only survive but thrive.

Learn More and Get Connected

If you’re inspired to learn more, volunteer, or support United Way’s mission, visit www.uwswa.org. You can also find United Way of Southwest Alabama on Facebook, Instagram, and even TikTok!

Listen to the full episode of the Herlihy Family Law Podcast for more insight from Justine Herlihy Bixler and learn how you can make a difference right here in Southwest Alabama.

Podcast Episode #3: Exploring Child Custody Laws in Alabama

by Jill Chancey | Mar 13, 2025 | Alabama, Custody, Divorce, Family Law

Podcast Episode #3: Exploring Child Custody Laws in Alabama

Exploring Child Custody Laws in Alabama

In Episode 3 of the Herlihy Family Law Podcast, Attorney Alison Herlihy provides a clear, insightful breakdown of Alabama’s child custody laws. From understanding the differences between legal and physical custody to navigating custody modifications, this episode offers valuable guidance for parents facing custody-related decisions.

Types of Custody in Alabama

In Alabama, child custody falls into two main categories: legal custody and physical custody.

Legal custody determines which parent has the authority to make major decisions regarding the child’s upbringing, such as education, healthcare, and extracurricular activities.
Physical custody refers to where the child lives and the time they spend with each parent.

Within these categories, custody can be either joint or sole, creating four possible custody arrangements:

Joint legal custody: Both parents share decision-making responsibilities.
Sole legal custody: One parent has full authority to make major decisions.
Joint physical custody: The child spends a significant amount of time with both parents.
Sole physical custody: The child primarily lives with one parent, while the other has visitation rights.

Sole legal custody is rare and typically occurs only when one parent is deemed unsafe or unfit.

Decision-Making Challenges in Joint Custody

Joint custody requires consistent communication and cooperation between parents. In situations where disagreements arise, especially regarding critical decisions like education or healthcare, courts may designate one parent as the “tiebreaker” based on their expertise or circumstances. For instance, a parent with a medical background might have the final say in healthcare decisions.

How Courts Decide Custody: The Ex Parte Divine Case

When courts make initial custody determinations, they refer to the Ex Parte Divine case, which outlines 12 key factors, including:

The sex of the child,
The age of the child,
The emotional, social, moral, material, and educational needs of the child,
The respective home environments offered by each party,
The characteristics of each party seeking custody, including age, character, stability and mental and physical health,
The capacity and interest of each parent to provide for the emotional, social, moral, material and educational needs of the child,
The interpersonal relationship between each child and each parent,
The interpersonal relationship between the children, in the case of siblings,
The effect on the child of disrupting or continuing an existing custodial status, if the parties are already living separately,
The preference of the child, if the child is of sufficient age and maturity,
The report and recommendation of any expert witnesses or other independent investigators, such as a psychologist or a guardian ad litem for the children.

These factors help judges prioritize the child’s best interests.

Can a Child Choose Where to Live?

One common misconception is that children can choose which parent to live with at a certain age. However, in Alabama, the child’s preference is only one of many factors considered by the court. There is no specific age at which a child’s decision becomes binding; instead, the court evaluates the child’s maturity and reasoning.

Parental Fitness and Custody Disputes

Parental fitness is another crucial consideration. Courts presume both parents are fit unless proven otherwise. Declaring a parent unfit is a high bar to meet, requiring evidence of abandonment, substance abuse, incarceration, or other severe issues. This standard is even more stringent when a non-parent, like a grandparent, petitions for custody.

Modifying an Existing Custody Order

Custody modifications follow the legal standard set by Alabama’s McLendon case for modifying custody. To request a change, a parent must demonstrate:

A substantial and material change in circumstances since the last order.
That the benefits of modifying custody outweigh the potential disruption to the child’s life.

Courts generally prioritize stability, as frequent custody changes can be disruptive for children.

Final Advice For Parents

It is important to prioritize the child’s well-being throughout the custody process. Parents are advised to avoid placing children in the middle of conflicts and to foster positive relationships with both parents whenever possible.

“Your child is half you and half the other parent. No matter how challenging the relationship with the other parent might be, it’s essential to support your child’s connection with both parents.”

Need Help Navigating Child Custody?

For more insights on Alabama’s custody laws, listen to the full episode of the Herlihy Family Law Podcast. If you need personalized guidance, visit www.herlihyfamilylaw.com to request a consultation with Attorney Alison Herlihy.

Stay connected with us on Facebook and Instagram for more family law insights.

What to Do if You Need to Modify a Child Custody Order

by Jill Chancey | Feb 17, 2025 | Alabama, Child Support, Children, Custody, Divorce, Family Law

What to Do if You Need to Modify a Child Custody Order

Are your current custody arrangements not working for you or your children? Are there constant battles and friction over days, dates, exchanges, and holidays? You may want to see us about modifying your custody order.

There are several ways to modify your current custody orders:

If you and your co-parent are in complete agreement as to the changes, you can have an attorney draft the agreement, both parties will sign, and the attorney can file it with the court.
If you and your co-parent or more or less in agreement, but not 100%, you can each hire an attorney to negotiate the details, and then one of them will file it with the court.
The third way is to take your co-parent to court by a motion to modify your orders and ask the judge to decide what your new court order will be.

In all three circumstances, the judge will only sign off on an agreement if it complies with the law, which is why it’s best to have an attorney’s assistance.

Although there is room for variation in visitation schedules based on whether both parties agree, the only way to have a permanent order changing custody, visitation, or child support is to file it with the court.

What do I need to do?

Study your current order carefully. Are you complying with it? Is your co-parent complying? Is the court order working for your family’s needs as they are today? Sometimes a ten-year-old custody order is no longer feasible for your family. Many custody orders allow parents to vary the schedule if they are both in agreement with every change. This is great for minor day-to-day variants, but a major, regular schedule change is best put in writing and confirmed by the court. If your ex is not in compliance, this may be the time to file a motion for contempt, rather than a modification. Your attorney can help you determine the best course of action.
If you only have a verbal custody agreement, and it works for you, that’s fine. You aren’t required to have a court order. However, sometimes verbal agreements work for a while, and then will break down if one parent decides they want to make a change and the other doesn’t like it. We can help you formally codify a custody plan. We find a lot of people with verbal agreements will benefit from going to court and having paternity legally confirmed, a visitation schedule in place, and an equitable child support order.
Think about what specifically needs to change for your co-parenting to work. Why do you want to change? Is there a specific event or reason for wanting to change? Is there a problem with the visitation schedule? Do you need to amend the holiday or summer visits? What are you expecting the end result to be? It’s good to be clear about what end result you want as you begin looking for an attorney.
Do you think your co-parent will be okay with the changes you want? Discuss this with them and see if they’ll be on board. This primarily works in a low-conflict co-parenting relationship. It may not be worth it if they are high-conflict, vindictive, or otherwise difficult to deal with. However, a few calm and thoughtful problem-solving conversations may yield an arrangement you can both live with.
As you begin the process, discuss it with your child in an age-appropriate manner. You don’t need their permission, but you also don’t want to spring a sudden life change on a child. Let them know that things may be changing in the near future. Give them space to have an opinion about that. Revisit the issue from time to time through the process and help them prepare. They may be scared of change – lots of people of all ages don’t like change – so help them with any anxiety they may have. Do not question them or give them the impression that they get to choose where they live because that is not the law in Alabama.
Remember that the judge will consider what is best for your child or children, not necessarily what will make both adults happier. You may want to move across the country to take an amazing job or be closer to your family, but the judge will consider the impact this will have on the child’s relationship with both parents. There are relocation instructions in custody orders. Be sure to read those closely and comply with the requirements of the law.
If you want to change because your co-parent isn’t meeting his or her obligations, or making the exchange process difficult, you’ll need to document that. Keep a log or calendar of visits. Screenshot any texts that could serve as evidence. For example, your court order may state that a parent must give 48 hours’ notice that they will exercise weekend visitation, and they’re being disagreeable about that. Or there’s no such order, but their last-minute changes and requests are adding stress and complications to your child’s life. In that case, you may want a court order requiring advance notice.

What are some reasons to modify custody?

You’ve had a significant job or life change that gives you more time to spend with your child than you once had.
You want to move farther away than your custody order allows for. Judges do allow it sometimes, but you’ll need to make a good case for the move. An attorney can advise you on the possibility of success. You may find that you need to decide to stay put while your children are still minors.
Your child has become deeply involved in an extracurricular activity that doesn’t work with the current schedule. We find that summer sports and various camps, such as theater camp or summer camp, can conflict with the summer visitation that was put in place when they were very young.
Your child may be old enough to want to take on a job, and the other parent isn’t willing to work around that.
Your co-parenting relationship has become volatile or high-conflict and the exchange process has become difficult and stressful. Sometimes judges will order monitored exchanges in these circumstances.

For the following circumstances, you’ll need to have solid evidence to support your allegations. Again, an attorney can advise you on what actions to take if you are dealing with these issues.

Your co-parent has developed a drug or alcohol addiction and your children are unsafe with them. A solution might be supervised visitation, no more overnight visits, or Soberlink (regular alcohol tests during visitation). The judge may order that visitation be supervised by a trusted family member or an organization like The Family Center here in Mobile.
Your co-parent has a new partner that you believe is unsafe for your children. Some custody orders state that the co-parent cannot have their unmarried partner spend the night in the same house as the children. Even if not, your children are entitled to be safe in both of their homes. Foster a parent-child relationship in which your child feels safe to talk to you about this kind of thing, but do not interrogate them about your ex’s new partner.

Finally…

Make sure that the well-being of your children is at the forefront of your decision-making. If your problem-solving hasn’t yielded good results and you’re ready to make a change, it’s time to move forward. If you want to discuss any of these issues with an attorney, we are ready to advise you. You can call the office at 251-432-7909 or click here to request a consultation.

12 Common Myths About Family Law and Divorce Debunked 

by Jill Chancey | Jan 27, 2025 | Alabama, Child Support, Children, Custody, Divorce, Family Law, Mobile

12 Common Myths About Family Law and Divorce Debunked 

We find ourselves debunking myths about divorce and family law all the time, whether on intake phone calls, in consultations, or during the course of a case. We’re not sure where these misconceptions come from, but most probably from TV, movies, and social media. Some of these may have even been true long ago, but aren’t anymore. Let’s get to it!

MYTH: If you move out, that is “abandonment” and you automatically lose your share of your house. This is probably the most common myth we hear.

FACT: This is not true. If you are unsafe, or even just miserable, you can absolutely move out. Your share of the marital home will be yours regardless of whether you have moved out during the case or not. More important are things like who bought the house, when they bought it, and who paid for it. Leaving without your children may damage your custody case; talk to your attorney about your options here.

MYTH: Child support is tied to visitation; if you don’t visit, you don’t have to pay; and if your ex doesn’t pay, you can deny visitation.

FACT: We know it’s tempting to deny your co-parent visitation if they’re not paying child support, but they are not contingent on each other. If your co-parent isn’t paying, he or she is in contempt of the court order. If you don’t allow visitation, you’re in contempt of the court order. You want to stay in compliance with that court order. If your ex isn’t paying child support or isn’t allowing your visitation, come see us about that, and we can help.

FACT: If you decide not to visit with your children, you still have to pay child support. You can choose whether or not to see your children – and we sincerely hope that you would want to – but you can’t stop paying child support based on that choice. Again, it’s the court order you have to obey.

MYTH: If your spouse cheats, you automatically get all of the assets and everything you want in the divorce.

FACT: People who have been hurt and betrayed in this way frequently want payback. We get that. However, the courts will not give you everything based on your ex’s bad behavior. The goal in every divorce is an equitable division of the assets – not necessarily equal, and not to the level of punitive damages either. The Court can consider fault, such as adultery, in dividing assets, but it is still just one factor that the Court considers, among numerous other factors.

MYTH: If one of your children reaches adulthood, you can just reduce your child support payment by half (or a percentage based on how many children you have).

FACT: You can only reduce your child support by getting a court order modifying your child support. We help people with this all the time. In Alabama, child support is required until the child’s 19^th birthday, and after that you can file for a modification. This can be pretty easy and straightforward if all parties are reasonable. If your child reaches 19 and is permanently disabled, you may not be able to modify your support. Come see us to discuss your options.

MYTH: If you are a social drinker or occasional cannabis consumer, you will automatically lose custody.

FACT: Boy, we hear this from our clients all the time: “but my ex drinks! At parties!”. It’s really okay for a parent to responsibly consume alcohol. The judges here are also unlikely to deny a parent custody solely because of occasional cannabis consumption (even though it is illegal here in Alabama). And let’s be real: if your spouse was drinking or using cannabis during the marriage, chances are good you might have been right there with them or OK with it at the time. If you didn’t have a problem with it before, it’s kind of hard to make a case that a social drinker shouldn’t have any rights to their children. If your spouse has an active addiction to drugs or alcohol, that’s an issue to bring up with your attorney.

MYTH: Adulterers never get custody.

FACT: This is definitely not true. Being a bad spouse doesn’t necessarily mean someone is a bad parent. You’re going to have to figure out how to co-parent with your ex even if they have cheated. It will be hard, but your children need you to figure it out. If the children have been exposed to or involved in the affair, especially if the affair partner is a dangerous person, that can definitely adversely impact your custody case.

MYTH: Whoever gets custody gets to keep the house.

FACT: The house is a marital asset and is a completely separate issue from custody arrangements. Sometimes parents will work together to figure out a way for the kids to stay in their home if they feel it’s important. This would typically involve the parent keeping the house having to refinance the mortgage and buy the other parent out of their share of the net equity, or offsetting that with another asset. A fairly recent trend is called “nesting” – the children stay in the home and the parents take turns staying at the house when it’s their custody time. In any event, the judge will not just automatically give the house to the parent with primary custody. If the decision about the house is left up to the judge, most of the time they will order the house be sold.

MYTH: I can make my lousy, no-good, rotten ex-spouse give me more money than we actually have because they’re such a jerk.

FACT: Sorry, no. The value of your combined assets is a fixed number, and the judge will not award you more than that fixed number. Again, we’re seeking an equitable division. We almost never see someone get everything, unless, for example, the ex-spouse never responds, never comes to court, is totally out of communication, and you end up with a default judgment. This is very rare. Even then, the idea of punitive damages does not apply in divorce cases. You can’t keep everything and then demand even more payment. If a judge decides your spouse is the one at fault in the breakdown of the marriage, they can decide it is equitable to give you more than half of the assets, but they are not going to award one person everything and the other person nothing.

MYTH: If my child reaches a certain age, he or she can decide whether or not to visit the other parent, or even which parent they live with.

FACT: We get it — teenagers want to do what they want to do. Sometimes they adamantly don’t want to see their other parent, or they want to spend the weekend with friends or do extracurriculars. Nonetheless, the court order stays in place until they’re 19. You can’t just call your ex and say “Daughter doesn’t want to see you this weekend.” The other parent deserves their parenting time. There is not a magic age (we often hear 12 or 14) where children get to dictate where they live or if they visit.

MYTH: The court regularly monitors parents’ adherence to custody and CS orders.

FACT: There is no surveillance or monitoring system in place to make sure that you or your ex comply with court orders. If you find that your ex is not complying, document everything, and then talk to us about whether it’s worth taking them back to court. The only exception here is child support; if you pay through the state’s website or with an income withholding order, there will be a record of what has been paid, but it is still up to you to take affirmative steps to enforce your order if the other party is not complying.

MYTH: You can force your spouse to pay all of your lawyers’ fees upfront.

FACT: We get this one a lot. We will definitely ask that your spouse have to contribute to your attorney’s fees; however, an attorney’s fee award is decided by the judge at the end of the case and it would typically involve your spouse having to reimburse you what you have already paid or some portion of it. An attorney’s fee award is never guaranteed and typically will not cover all of your fees.

MYTH: If your spouse sees a therapist or psychiatrist, they will be denied custody.

FACT: Seeking healthcare for mental health issues is commendable, not a reason to punish someone. In fact, it’s totally normal for a person headed toward divorce to seek counseling if they’re having a hard time coping. It’s also totally normal for neurodivergent people, such as those with ADHD, to see a psychiatrist and take medication for it. This doesn’t make them an incompetent parent. The judge will not deny custody to someone just because they are receiving appropriate mental health treatment. Someone with a dangerous or out-of-control mental illness may be subject to supervised visitation, but simply seeing a doctor or counselor is not an automatic disqualifier.

There are probably a lot of other misconceptions that we can sort out for you, but these are the ones we hear the most. As always, legal questions often have an “it depends” answer and only a consultation regarding your particular situation can result in more concrete answers.

Give us a call or Request a Consultation on our main page when you’re ready to get started.

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