How to successfully co-parent after divorce

Most people tend to think that the finish line has been reached once a custody and child support agreement is signed, filed, and finalized.  The reality for our clients, however, is that their judgment of divorce or custody order actually the beginning of a new phase in their co-parenting relationship.  Sometimes the parents have been separated for a while and already have a good routine in place, but not always. For some people, the new phase is actually easier now that they’ve put their own relationship in the rearview mirror.  There’s less day-to-day contact, which usually results in less day-to-day conflict.

This isn’t always the case, unfortunately.  High-conflict divorces and custody cases sometimes do not de-escalate once the court order is in place.  What we see is that the most common points of conflict are when the children are exchanged, and when it comes time to reimburse the other parent for shared expenses.  There are also people who simply thrive on conflict and will continue to make peace almost impossible for their families.

However, there are a number of resources available to assist co-parents in moving forward amicably.  When exchanges are a flashpoint and the parents simply cannot be in the same space without getting into an argument, the judge will often order that all exchanges take place at The Gulf Coast Family Center of Mobile, which is a non-profit organization that assists families by providing supervised visitation and monitored exchanges.  The Family Center has locations in both Mobile and Robertsdale. Some families also agree for parents to pick-up and drop-off the children at school, which can prevent conflicts between the parents.

If neither location is convenient, another option is for exchanges to take place in a public location, such as a police station about halfway between the parents’ homes.  High-conflict people tend to tone down their behavior when in the presence of a building full of police, or if they find themselves in a place with cameras and witnesses all around them.  This can also be a court-ordered solution to difficult exchanges.  Sometimes the court will even order that neither parent can leave their car during the exchange.  In addition, parents do not have to personally present for the exchange.  A parent can designate another fit adult, such as grandparents, to handle the visitation exchange on their behalf.

As in many relationships, money can also be a point of conflict.  Financial disagreements and incompatibility are a leading cause of divorce and relationship breakups.  If two partners are fundamentally incompatible regarding spending, debt, and priorities, that will probably continue to be an issue after the divorce.  Regardless, the court orders are usually very specific about how expenses should be divided.  For example, all out-of-pocket medical expenses are frequently ordered to be split evenly between the parents.  We do see a lot of parents arguing about what needs to be reimbursed, how quickly it was reimbursed, and whether the person who paid requested the reimbursement in a timely fashion.

These failures to communicate successfully can be assisted with one of several communication apps.  One we see used frequently is the Our Family Wizard app.  This is a subscription service in which both parents do 100% of their communications through the app, including sending receipts and so forth.  That way one parent can block their ex from sending email, texts, making phone calls, or contacting them on social media. Our Family Wizard tracks and saves all communications so that each party has evidence of what has been said and what bills have been sent to each other.  The app also includes a tone meter that gives you advice on how to make your own communication more neutral and less argumentative.  Again, being monitored tends to cause high-conflict people to tone down their behavior.  There are several other apps of this type, but Our Family Wizard is probably the most common and most comprehensive.  Sometimes the use of an app of this nature is court-ordered.  Judges can usually get a pretty good idea of whether a high-conflict relationship will continue to be so, whereas sometimes it’s part of a negotiated agreement.

When it comes to monthly child support, we always recommend that parties pay their child support through an Income Withholding Order so that payments are made automatically and the parents do not have to negotiate with each other on the when, where and how of the monthly payments.  The money is deducted automatically from the payer’s paycheck, and sent to the payee by the child support payment center.  Every payment is on record and easily confirmed.  Paying with cash or a peer-to-peer payment app is not going to result in the best evidence that a child support payment has been made or received.  Automating the process will, ideally, result in less arguing about when a payment is going to be made, or how much it will be, or why someone doesn’t want to make a payment this month.  Less conflict is better for your kids, and better for you.   

What happens if none of the systems in place prevent co-parents from coming into conflict, whether it’s over visitation, medical bills, child support, or the cost of extracurriculars?  Well, that may be where we come in.  A parent who is not in compliance with a court order may be found to be in contempt if they are taken back to court.  It might also be that a modification of some aspects of the court order is warranted, if there is a sufficient change in circumstances.  If you find that your co-parent is not abiding by the order in place, document everything as best you can.  Keep copies of any communications, keep a log of visitation times, and track your expenses and payments. 

If the issue is ongoing, you can always book a consultation with us to determine if it is worth taking it back to the judge for remediation.   

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019.  She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English.  She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History.  After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian.  In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.