Top 10 Mistakes to Avoid During the Divorce Process

by mighty | Dec 6, 2024 | Divorce, Family Law, Legal Advice, Mobile

Top 10 Mistakes to Avoid During the Divorce Process

We do our very best to keep the divorce process as simple, conflict-free, and by-the-book as possible. Sometimes our clients unintentionally make mistakes that complicate the process. What are some of the mistakes we see? Here are some things you should not do while you’re getting divorced:

Don’t overshare on social media

A lot of people are very online, from Instagram to TikTok to Facebook. It’s best to avoid talking about your legal matters on any social media platform. Even if you have blocked your spouse, he or she may have friends or family members who will share your posts with them. Ranting or raving about your case will never help, and anything you post can be used as evidence in court.

Don’t post pictures or information about your social life, parties you’ve been to, or money you’ve spent. If you can’t resist sharing, you may need to shut down your social media accounts until your case is over.

Don’t get into altercations or aggressive confrontations

Emotions run high during divorces and separations, but don’t try to provoke your spouse and in turn, don’t let them get under your skin. You really do not want a disagreement to turn into an altercation requiring police intervention.

People who know each other well also know how to push each other’s buttons. Learn to recognize when that is happening and don’t react. Likewise, don’t be on the other side of this: don’t pick fights. It’s in nobody’s best interest.

Don’t discuss legal matters with your soon-to-be ex

In a truly amicable split, this doesn’t necessarily apply. We see clients who have worked out all of the details of their uncontested divorce before they even call us. That’s a great situation to be in. But if you can’t talk without arguing, if someone is manipulative or dishonest or abusive, just let the attorneys do the talking.

You can always say “Have your attorney contact mine.” And don’t sign anything at all without your lawyer’s advice! You’ve probably spent a good deal of money for representation – let your attorney represent your best interests.

Don’t use your children against your spouse

We sometimes see people trying to withhold visitation, or saying terrible things about their partner to their children. Don’t do this! Try to make this process as painless as possible for them. Using them to punish their other parent harms them the most. Whether it’s true or not, avoid insulting or degrading your partner to your kids. They’re already having a hard time, so don’t put them in the middle of it.

In a contested divorce there will frequently be a parenting plan or temporary visitation schedule in place. Abide by it to the letter! If you feel your spouse is dangerous or irresponsible, take it up with your attorney.

Don’t have arguments in writing

Everything you say in a text, email, or DM can potentially be used as evidence in court. Remember, the internet is forever! Refrain from being aggressive or insulting. Definitely do not threaten your ex. Don’t admit to wrongdoing or even anything that might be prejudicial. Use caution when communicating with your ex and his or her family and close friends.

Don’t start dating someone else while you’re still married

Until your divorce is final, i.e. signed by the judge, this is still considered adultery in the state of Alabama. It can hurt your case, and definitely will not help your case. It can also cause your ex to be even more spiteful or vengeful if they’re mad that you’ve moved on. Some clients don’t want to hear this, but just refrain from jumping back into the dating pool until you are legally done with the marriage. If you have children, they will need some time to adjust to your separation before meeting a new partner.

Don’t drink or use drugs during the divorce

We know that drinking is legal (and in some places, a few recreational drugs). But again, it’s not a good look, and it can come up in court if your partner wants to go there. We see exes claiming that someone is a bad parent because they party.

You may actually be the better parent, but you don’t want the judge to think you’re partying all the time.

Particularly be sure not to drink or do drugs around your children, and make sure they do not have access to any that you may have in the house. Be aware that in many cases, the court will order a drug test if your ex asks them to.

You need to be able to pass a drug test with no notice at all. If you do decide to drink when you’re not around your children, don’t post it on social media. Divorce is an extremely stressful time, and it is easy to get on a slippery slope with too much alcohol consumption.

If you have concerns about your drinking, or if your spouse has ever accused you of drinking too much, the best course of action is not to drink alcohol while your case is pending. Drugs are illegal in Alabama, so obviously you should not use drugs at all.

Don’t respond immediately to texts or emails

It’s hard sometimes to take a deep breath and walk away from an argument, or an annoying email or text, but train yourself to do it. Take some time and think about it. Do you want the answer that’s in your head read out in court?

It may even be that you don’t need to answer at all. Or the answer is, take it up with my attorney. This also applies to friends and family of your ex, who may be texting to share their opinion or try to get information from you. Conversely, don’t be that person who has their mommy or best friend try to spy on your ex. Take the high road.

Don’t yell at us, please

Well, this may be a little self-serving, but remember that your attorney’s entire team is on your side, so please be patient and courteous no matter who you are talking to.

We all want success for your case.

We know you are going through it. All of our clients are going through it. Rudeness and yelling won’t change the way the legal process works. The process can be slow, it can be infuriating, it can be frustrating. We get it. We’re all doing our best here.

Don’t lie to your attorney

This one should be a no-brainer, but alas, some people need to hear this. Even people with great judgment are probably not at their best during the divorce process. So be honest with your attorney.

Trust us, we’ve heard it all. More than you can imagine. Some of the most important things to be honest about are finances, assets, criminal records, mental health issues, and infidelity. However, anything that affects you, your children, and your case needs to be shared with us.

Please don’t have your attorney surprised in court with evidence of something they didn’t know about. Even if it’s embarrassing, let us know right away! We cannot properly prepare for your case if we don’t know what is really going on. Remember, everything you tell us is confidential.

DO call us for us a consultation

You can of course call us during business hours, or you can go to our website and click “request a consultation.” We can almost always see you within a week or two, and we will always get back to you very quickly.

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019. She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English. She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History. After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian. In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.

Read Full Bio

How to successfully co-parent after divorce

by mighty | Nov 6, 2024 | Child Support, Children, Custody, Divorce, Family, Family Law

How to successfully co-parent after divorce

Most people tend to think that the finish line has been reached once a custody and child support agreement is signed, filed, and finalized. The reality for our clients, however, is that their judgment of divorce or custody order actually the beginning of a new phase in their co-parenting relationship. Sometimes the parents have been separated for a while and already have a good routine in place, but not always. For some people, the new phase is actually easier now that they’ve put their own relationship in the rearview mirror. There’s less day-to-day contact, which usually results in less day-to-day conflict.

This isn’t always the case, unfortunately. High-conflict divorces and custody cases sometimes do not de-escalate once the court order is in place. What we see is that the most common points of conflict are when the children are exchanged, and when it comes time to reimburse the other parent for shared expenses. There are also people who simply thrive on conflict and will continue to make peace almost impossible for their families.

However, there are a number of resources available to assist co-parents in moving forward amicably. When exchanges are a flashpoint and the parents simply cannot be in the same space without getting into an argument, the judge will often order that all exchanges take place at The Gulf Coast Family Center of Mobile, which is a non-profit organization that assists families by providing supervised visitation and monitored exchanges. The Family Center has locations in both Mobile and Robertsdale. Some families also agree for parents to pick-up and drop-off the children at school, which can prevent conflicts between the parents.

If neither location is convenient, another option is for exchanges to take place in a public location, such as a police station about halfway between the parents’ homes. High-conflict people tend to tone down their behavior when in the presence of a building full of police, or if they find themselves in a place with cameras and witnesses all around them. This can also be a court-ordered solution to difficult exchanges. Sometimes the court will even order that neither parent can leave their car during the exchange. In addition, parents do not have to personally present for the exchange. A parent can designate another fit adult, such as grandparents, to handle the visitation exchange on their behalf.

As in many relationships, money can also be a point of conflict. Financial disagreements and incompatibility are a leading cause of divorce and relationship breakups. If two partners are fundamentally incompatible regarding spending, debt, and priorities, that will probably continue to be an issue after the divorce. Regardless, the court orders are usually very specific about how expenses should be divided. For example, all out-of-pocket medical expenses are frequently ordered to be split evenly between the parents. We do see a lot of parents arguing about what needs to be reimbursed, how quickly it was reimbursed, and whether the person who paid requested the reimbursement in a timely fashion.

These failures to communicate successfully can be assisted with one of several communication apps. One we see used frequently is the Our Family Wizard app. This is a subscription service in which both parents do 100% of their communications through the app, including sending receipts and so forth. That way one parent can block their ex from sending email, texts, making phone calls, or contacting them on social media. Our Family Wizard tracks and saves all communications so that each party has evidence of what has been said and what bills have been sent to each other. The app also includes a tone meter that gives you advice on how to make your own communication more neutral and less argumentative. Again, being monitored tends to cause high-conflict people to tone down their behavior. There are several other apps of this type, but Our Family Wizard is probably the most common and most comprehensive. Sometimes the use of an app of this nature is court-ordered. Judges can usually get a pretty good idea of whether a high-conflict relationship will continue to be so, whereas sometimes it’s part of a negotiated agreement.

When it comes to monthly child support, we always recommend that parties pay their child support through an Income Withholding Order so that payments are made automatically and the parents do not have to negotiate with each other on the when, where and how of the monthly payments. The money is deducted automatically from the payer’s paycheck, and sent to the payee by the child support payment center. Every payment is on record and easily confirmed. Paying with cash or a peer-to-peer payment app is not going to result in the best evidence that a child support payment has been made or received. Automating the process will, ideally, result in less arguing about when a payment is going to be made, or how much it will be, or why someone doesn’t want to make a payment this month. Less conflict is better for your kids, and better for you.

What happens if none of the systems in place prevent co-parents from coming into conflict, whether it’s over visitation, medical bills, child support, or the cost of extracurriculars? Well, that may be where we come in. A parent who is not in compliance with a court order may be found to be in contempt if they are taken back to court. It might also be that a modification of some aspects of the court order is warranted, if there is a sufficient change in circumstances. If you find that your co-parent is not abiding by the order in place, document everything as best you can. Keep copies of any communications, keep a log of visitation times, and track your expenses and payments.

If the issue is ongoing, you can always book a consultation with us to determine if it is worth taking it back to the judge for remediation.

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019. She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English. She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History. After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian. In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.

Read Full Bio

How you can make divorce easier on your kids

by mighty | May 1, 2023 | Children, Divorce

How you can make divorce easier on your kids

The number one predictor of whether children fare well after a divorce or not is whether a divorce is a “high conflict” divorce. A high-conflict divorce is one that is marked by conflict for the sake of conflict; preoccupation with assigning blame, being “right,” and winning at all costs; and manipulation or even outright abuse. When someone has a high-conflict personality, they will not think twice about using the children to get what they want, even at a cost to the children. When children experience a high-conflict divorce, they are more likely to have substance abuse problems and experience mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, and less likely to finish college or have children of their own.

The first way to make a divorce easier on the kids is to leave them out of it! Do not involve your children in adult matters, either directly or indirectly. You may think that your children are not listening to your conversations with other adults or do not understand, but they are and they do. Do not use your children as messengers and try to avoid arguing in front of them.

The second way is to get some advice on how to have age-appropriate discussions with your kids about the divorce. Both Mobile and Baldwin Counties require parents to participate in a class about helping children cope with divorce, so you can get some helpful tips there. You could also seek the advice of their school counselor or a therapist who works with children.

Lastly, always remind your children that they are not the cause of the divorce, that you love them and that will not change, even if you and the other parent have two different households. This may seem obvious, but divorce is hard and the stress can sometimes make you lose sight of what is most important – your children.

Can you move out of your house during a divorce?

by mighty | Apr 1, 2023 | Divorce, Family Law

Can you move out of your house during a divorce?

Moving out is one of the most common questions we receive, but the answer is not as simple as you might think. Many people think that moving out in the middle of a divorce constitutes “abandonment,” but this is a misconception. The legal definition of abandonment, pursuant to Alabama law, is voluntary abandonment from bed and board for one year next preceding the filing of the complaint. This means that simply moving out does not constitute “abandonment” as a fault ground for divorce under the law. You do not forfeit any assets or any legal right in the marital home because you move out.

This being said, the courts in our area all enter status quo orders when a divorce is filed which basically provides that the parties shall continue to pay their bills and expenses in the same ways and from the same sources as they did prior to filing for a divorce. This means that many people cannot move out because they cannot financially afford to while also maintaining the status quo regarding the payment of bills.

If children are involved, things get more complicated. If custody of the children is an issue in your case, your spouse probably will not agree to you moving out and taking the children with you. If you want to be awarded custody of your children, it is not advisable that you move out and leave the children with your spouse because that creates the appearance that you are essentially agreeing for them to have custody of the children. Courts can potentially hear requests for temporary custody while a divorce is pending, but they often will not award the same absent an emergency or safety issue. Often, when both parents want custody of the children, they end up having to live together until their divorce is concluded unless they can reach an agreement about temporary custody and visitation.

How long does a divorce take in Mobile, Alabama?

by mighty | Mar 8, 2023 | Divorce

How long does a divorce take in Mobile, Alabama?

Wondering how long divorce takes in Mobile, Alabama? This article with give you a better idea of how long the process takes and what you can expect.

Uncontested and Contested

There are basically two main pathways to getting a divorce: uncontested and contested.

An uncontested divorce means the parties are able to reach an agreement on all terms, including custody, visitation, child support, and division of assets and debts. Typically, one party will hire an attorney to draft the agreement which is sent to the opposing party. The opposing party can either choose to be unrepresented and sign the agreement, or they can consult with their own attorney to advise them. One attorney is not allowed to represent both parties. Both parties then sign the agreement setting out their agreed-upon terms, and the agreement is filed with the court. There is no case pending with the court until the agreement itself is filed. No one is “served” and no one appears in court or goes in front of a judge in an uncontested divorce. The agreement has to be on file for 30 days, then the judge will grant your divorce.

A contested divorce means one party files a complaint for divorce with the court and the opposing party is personally served by a sheriff or private process server with the complaint and a summons, which is a notice to respond. In almost every contested divorce case, the parties conduct discovery, which means both parties will have to answer questions and provide documents relevant to the divorce, such as financial information. Once discovery is complete, the divorce case can then be set for trial. In Mobile County, the average time frame that it takes a contested divorce to go to trial is 6 to 12 months.

Do you always have to go in front of a judge?

No! As explained above, an uncontested divorce is submitted on the agreement of the parties and you never have to go to court. Even if a case starts out as a contested case, the majority of cases still settle out of court, either by submitting a written agreement or by participating in mediation which then results in a written agreement being submitted. For more information about mediation, please see one of our mediation blog posts. As long as both parties are willing to be fair, it is almost always in your best interests to settle your case without going to trial because you can craft your own solution that is best suited to your family’s needs.