What to Do if You Need to Modify a Child Custody Order

by Jill Chancey | Feb 17, 2025 | Alabama, Child Support, Children, Custody, Divorce, Family Law

What to Do if You Need to Modify a Child Custody Order

Are your current custody arrangements not working for you or your children? Are there constant battles and friction over days, dates, exchanges, and holidays? You may want to see us about modifying your custody order.

There are several ways to modify your current custody orders:

If you and your co-parent are in complete agreement as to the changes, you can have an attorney draft the agreement, both parties will sign, and the attorney can file it with the court.
If you and your co-parent or more or less in agreement, but not 100%, you can each hire an attorney to negotiate the details, and then one of them will file it with the court.
The third way is to take your co-parent to court by a motion to modify your orders and ask the judge to decide what your new court order will be.

In all three circumstances, the judge will only sign off on an agreement if it complies with the law, which is why it’s best to have an attorney’s assistance.

Although there is room for variation in visitation schedules based on whether both parties agree, the only way to have a permanent order changing custody, visitation, or child support is to file it with the court.

What do I need to do?

Study your current order carefully. Are you complying with it? Is your co-parent complying? Is the court order working for your family’s needs as they are today? Sometimes a ten-year-old custody order is no longer feasible for your family. Many custody orders allow parents to vary the schedule if they are both in agreement with every change. This is great for minor day-to-day variants, but a major, regular schedule change is best put in writing and confirmed by the court. If your ex is not in compliance, this may be the time to file a motion for contempt, rather than a modification. Your attorney can help you determine the best course of action.
If you only have a verbal custody agreement, and it works for you, that’s fine. You aren’t required to have a court order. However, sometimes verbal agreements work for a while, and then will break down if one parent decides they want to make a change and the other doesn’t like it. We can help you formally codify a custody plan. We find a lot of people with verbal agreements will benefit from going to court and having paternity legally confirmed, a visitation schedule in place, and an equitable child support order.
Think about what specifically needs to change for your co-parenting to work. Why do you want to change? Is there a specific event or reason for wanting to change? Is there a problem with the visitation schedule? Do you need to amend the holiday or summer visits? What are you expecting the end result to be? It’s good to be clear about what end result you want as you begin looking for an attorney.
Do you think your co-parent will be okay with the changes you want? Discuss this with them and see if they’ll be on board. This primarily works in a low-conflict co-parenting relationship. It may not be worth it if they are high-conflict, vindictive, or otherwise difficult to deal with. However, a few calm and thoughtful problem-solving conversations may yield an arrangement you can both live with.
As you begin the process, discuss it with your child in an age-appropriate manner. You don’t need their permission, but you also don’t want to spring a sudden life change on a child. Let them know that things may be changing in the near future. Give them space to have an opinion about that. Revisit the issue from time to time through the process and help them prepare. They may be scared of change – lots of people of all ages don’t like change – so help them with any anxiety they may have. Do not question them or give them the impression that they get to choose where they live because that is not the law in Alabama.
Remember that the judge will consider what is best for your child or children, not necessarily what will make both adults happier. You may want to move across the country to take an amazing job or be closer to your family, but the judge will consider the impact this will have on the child’s relationship with both parents. There are relocation instructions in custody orders. Be sure to read those closely and comply with the requirements of the law.
If you want to change because your co-parent isn’t meeting his or her obligations, or making the exchange process difficult, you’ll need to document that. Keep a log or calendar of visits. Screenshot any texts that could serve as evidence. For example, your court order may state that a parent must give 48 hours’ notice that they will exercise weekend visitation, and they’re being disagreeable about that. Or there’s no such order, but their last-minute changes and requests are adding stress and complications to your child’s life. In that case, you may want a court order requiring advance notice.

What are some reasons to modify custody?

You’ve had a significant job or life change that gives you more time to spend with your child than you once had.
You want to move farther away than your custody order allows for. Judges do allow it sometimes, but you’ll need to make a good case for the move. An attorney can advise you on the possibility of success. You may find that you need to decide to stay put while your children are still minors.
Your child has become deeply involved in an extracurricular activity that doesn’t work with the current schedule. We find that summer sports and various camps, such as theater camp or summer camp, can conflict with the summer visitation that was put in place when they were very young.
Your child may be old enough to want to take on a job, and the other parent isn’t willing to work around that.
Your co-parenting relationship has become volatile or high-conflict and the exchange process has become difficult and stressful. Sometimes judges will order monitored exchanges in these circumstances.

For the following circumstances, you’ll need to have solid evidence to support your allegations. Again, an attorney can advise you on what actions to take if you are dealing with these issues.

Your co-parent has developed a drug or alcohol addiction and your children are unsafe with them. A solution might be supervised visitation, no more overnight visits, or Soberlink (regular alcohol tests during visitation). The judge may order that visitation be supervised by a trusted family member or an organization like The Family Center here in Mobile.
Your co-parent has a new partner that you believe is unsafe for your children. Some custody orders state that the co-parent cannot have their unmarried partner spend the night in the same house as the children. Even if not, your children are entitled to be safe in both of their homes. Foster a parent-child relationship in which your child feels safe to talk to you about this kind of thing, but do not interrogate them about your ex’s new partner.

Finally…

Make sure that the well-being of your children is at the forefront of your decision-making. If your problem-solving hasn’t yielded good results and you’re ready to make a change, it’s time to move forward. If you want to discuss any of these issues with an attorney, we are ready to advise you. You can call the office at 251-432-7909 or click here to request a consultation.

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019. She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English. She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History. After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian. In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.

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12 Common Myths About Family Law and Divorce Debunked 

by Jill Chancey | Jan 27, 2025 | Alabama, Child Support, Children, Custody, Divorce, Family Law, Mobile

12 Common Myths About Family Law and Divorce Debunked 

We find ourselves debunking myths about divorce and family law all the time, whether on intake phone calls, in consultations, or during the course of a case. We’re not sure where these misconceptions come from, but most probably from TV, movies, and social media. Some of these may have even been true long ago, but aren’t anymore. Let’s get to it!

MYTH: If you move out, that is “abandonment” and you automatically lose your share of your house. This is probably the most common myth we hear.

FACT: This is not true. If you are unsafe, or even just miserable, you can absolutely move out. Your share of the marital home will be yours regardless of whether you have moved out during the case or not. More important are things like who bought the house, when they bought it, and who paid for it. Leaving without your children may damage your custody case; talk to your attorney about your options here.

MYTH: Child support is tied to visitation; if you don’t visit, you don’t have to pay; and if your ex doesn’t pay, you can deny visitation.

FACT: We know it’s tempting to deny your co-parent visitation if they’re not paying child support, but they are not contingent on each other. If your co-parent isn’t paying, he or she is in contempt of the court order. If you don’t allow visitation, you’re in contempt of the court order. You want to stay in compliance with that court order. If your ex isn’t paying child support or isn’t allowing your visitation, come see us about that, and we can help.

FACT: If you decide not to visit with your children, you still have to pay child support. You can choose whether or not to see your children – and we sincerely hope that you would want to – but you can’t stop paying child support based on that choice. Again, it’s the court order you have to obey.

MYTH: If your spouse cheats, you automatically get all of the assets and everything you want in the divorce.

FACT: People who have been hurt and betrayed in this way frequently want payback. We get that. However, the courts will not give you everything based on your ex’s bad behavior. The goal in every divorce is an equitable division of the assets – not necessarily equal, and not to the level of punitive damages either. The Court can consider fault, such as adultery, in dividing assets, but it is still just one factor that the Court considers, among numerous other factors.

MYTH: If one of your children reaches adulthood, you can just reduce your child support payment by half (or a percentage based on how many children you have).

FACT: You can only reduce your child support by getting a court order modifying your child support. We help people with this all the time. In Alabama, child support is required until the child’s 19^th birthday, and after that you can file for a modification. This can be pretty easy and straightforward if all parties are reasonable. If your child reaches 19 and is permanently disabled, you may not be able to modify your support. Come see us to discuss your options.

MYTH: If you are a social drinker or occasional cannabis consumer, you will automatically lose custody.

FACT: Boy, we hear this from our clients all the time: “but my ex drinks! At parties!”. It’s really okay for a parent to responsibly consume alcohol. The judges here are also unlikely to deny a parent custody solely because of occasional cannabis consumption (even though it is illegal here in Alabama). And let’s be real: if your spouse was drinking or using cannabis during the marriage, chances are good you might have been right there with them or OK with it at the time. If you didn’t have a problem with it before, it’s kind of hard to make a case that a social drinker shouldn’t have any rights to their children. If your spouse has an active addiction to drugs or alcohol, that’s an issue to bring up with your attorney.

MYTH: Adulterers never get custody.

FACT: This is definitely not true. Being a bad spouse doesn’t necessarily mean someone is a bad parent. You’re going to have to figure out how to co-parent with your ex even if they have cheated. It will be hard, but your children need you to figure it out. If the children have been exposed to or involved in the affair, especially if the affair partner is a dangerous person, that can definitely adversely impact your custody case.

MYTH: Whoever gets custody gets to keep the house.

FACT: The house is a marital asset and is a completely separate issue from custody arrangements. Sometimes parents will work together to figure out a way for the kids to stay in their home if they feel it’s important. This would typically involve the parent keeping the house having to refinance the mortgage and buy the other parent out of their share of the net equity, or offsetting that with another asset. A fairly recent trend is called “nesting” – the children stay in the home and the parents take turns staying at the house when it’s their custody time. In any event, the judge will not just automatically give the house to the parent with primary custody. If the decision about the house is left up to the judge, most of the time they will order the house be sold.

MYTH: I can make my lousy, no-good, rotten ex-spouse give me more money than we actually have because they’re such a jerk.

FACT: Sorry, no. The value of your combined assets is a fixed number, and the judge will not award you more than that fixed number. Again, we’re seeking an equitable division. We almost never see someone get everything, unless, for example, the ex-spouse never responds, never comes to court, is totally out of communication, and you end up with a default judgment. This is very rare. Even then, the idea of punitive damages does not apply in divorce cases. You can’t keep everything and then demand even more payment. If a judge decides your spouse is the one at fault in the breakdown of the marriage, they can decide it is equitable to give you more than half of the assets, but they are not going to award one person everything and the other person nothing.

MYTH: If my child reaches a certain age, he or she can decide whether or not to visit the other parent, or even which parent they live with.

FACT: We get it — teenagers want to do what they want to do. Sometimes they adamantly don’t want to see their other parent, or they want to spend the weekend with friends or do extracurriculars. Nonetheless, the court order stays in place until they’re 19. You can’t just call your ex and say “Daughter doesn’t want to see you this weekend.” The other parent deserves their parenting time. There is not a magic age (we often hear 12 or 14) where children get to dictate where they live or if they visit.

MYTH: The court regularly monitors parents’ adherence to custody and CS orders.

FACT: There is no surveillance or monitoring system in place to make sure that you or your ex comply with court orders. If you find that your ex is not complying, document everything, and then talk to us about whether it’s worth taking them back to court. The only exception here is child support; if you pay through the state’s website or with an income withholding order, there will be a record of what has been paid, but it is still up to you to take affirmative steps to enforce your order if the other party is not complying.

MYTH: You can force your spouse to pay all of your lawyers’ fees upfront.

FACT: We get this one a lot. We will definitely ask that your spouse have to contribute to your attorney’s fees; however, an attorney’s fee award is decided by the judge at the end of the case and it would typically involve your spouse having to reimburse you what you have already paid or some portion of it. An attorney’s fee award is never guaranteed and typically will not cover all of your fees.

MYTH: If your spouse sees a therapist or psychiatrist, they will be denied custody.

FACT: Seeking healthcare for mental health issues is commendable, not a reason to punish someone. In fact, it’s totally normal for a person headed toward divorce to seek counseling if they’re having a hard time coping. It’s also totally normal for neurodivergent people, such as those with ADHD, to see a psychiatrist and take medication for it. This doesn’t make them an incompetent parent. The judge will not deny custody to someone just because they are receiving appropriate mental health treatment. Someone with a dangerous or out-of-control mental illness may be subject to supervised visitation, but simply seeing a doctor or counselor is not an automatic disqualifier.

There are probably a lot of other misconceptions that we can sort out for you, but these are the ones we hear the most. As always, legal questions often have an “it depends” answer and only a consultation regarding your particular situation can result in more concrete answers.

Give us a call or Request a Consultation on our main page when you’re ready to get started.

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019. She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English. She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History. After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian. In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.

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How to Prepare for Your First Consultation with a Family Law Attorney

by Jill Chancey | Jan 10, 2025 | Divorce, Family Law, Mobile

How to Prepare for Your First Consultation with a Family Law Attorney

What’s the goal?

Once you’ve booked an appointment with a family law attorney, you’ll want to prepare for your meeting. Start by thinking long-term. What is your goal here? What do you want your life to look like in a year? Think concretely about it. Visualize the outcome. Knowing your destination is essential to starting the journey, right? So start there.

How will you get there?

Once you have a goal in mind, consider what the journey will look like. You may have to make compromises or sacrifices to achieve your goal – whether that’s a divorce or a new custody arrangement. What are you willing to give up to make it happen? What will you absolutely not give up? What matters the most to you? Our attorneys can help you understand what is possible – or impossible – in the current court system.

What is your financial big picture?

On a more practical level, assess your financial situation. Do you own a house? Find out who is on the mortgage, and who is on the deed (these don’t always match). Pull your credit report and make a list of all of your debts. Get recent statements for credit cards, bank accounts, and retirement accounts. In a divorce, the goal is an equitable division of assets, so you want to have the big picture in mind regarding assets and debts. You can check your tax returns for you and your spouse’s annual income – each party’s income is an important part of the picture. Pretty much everybody that comes in needs to have their financial information at hand. If you’re not coming in for a divorce, assets are less important than income, which is the primary factor in child support calculations. You don’t need to provide these documents at a consultation, but you’ll use the information to fill out our Client Information Sheet.

What documents should you provide?

We may need you to send a few documents, depending on the reason you’re coming to see us.

If you’ve already been to court, we need to see the orders currently in place. If you have lost your hard copy, you can get copies of them for a modest fee from the clerk’s office of the court that entered your order.

If you’ve been served papers but have not yet been to court, we’ll need copies of those. Closely read the instructions on those documents. Deadlines to respond start running from the day you were served. You may also have been served with a pretrial or status quo order that tells you what you can and cannot do regarding financial accounts, payment of regular bills and expenses, and even visitation with the children.

If you’re coming to discuss a post-divorce matter, we’ll need your Judgment of Divorce and any other subsequent orders that have been entered if you have already been back to court after your divorce was final..

For custody and child support matters involving never-married parents, we’ll need your current orders (if any).

If you’re coming for a Prenuptial or PostNuptial Agreement, be sure to talk to your partner ahead of time so you have a good idea of what the terms will be. You’ll still need the financial details for these.

If your spouse has presented you with a proposed divorce agreement that they want you to sign, we need a copy of that so we can properly advise you.

Sometimes people want to send us hundreds of files of evidence of their partner’s wrongdoing, or all of their documents from a previous court case, or a report from a private investigator, for example. We don’t need all of that at a consultation, so just hang onto that information until later in the process.

If you don’t have access to a scanner, you can use your cellphone camera to scan documents and convert them to a PDF file either directly through the camera app or by downloading a free scanner app. Places such as Office Depot and the UPS Store can scan documents for you. Your local library probably has scanners you can use, as well. You’ll want to confirm that with your nearby branch. However, most phones have a scan option. Sending scans is much better than sending photos. Please don’t send photos! They are often hard to read, and are usually much larger files than .pdfs. For Androids, use your Google Drive app. For iPhones, use the Notes app.

Fill out your pre-appointment information!

At Herlihy Family Law, we send every client a Client Information Sheet in advance of their consultation. You’ll use the link in this form to upload the documents mentioned above.

We require that it be filled out by the day before, so that the attorney you are meeting with will be able to review this before your meeting. You only have an hour, so give us the information ahead of time and the attorney will spend it giving legal advice, not reading your documents or having to ask you the questions that are on the information sheet. We understand that you may not have all of the information to hand, but fill it out to the best of your knowledge. Know that everything you tell us is absolutely confidential. Sometimes people are uncomfortable with sharing financial data, and we get that. We wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t essential.

Prepare to be truthful.

On that note, plan to be open and honest at your consultation. We may not have heard it all, but we’ve heard a lot. Don’t be embarrassed about difficulties in your relationships. We certainly don’t need all of the details, but if something led to the rift between you and your partner, let us know. That might be an addiction, infidelity, or abuse, for example, but of course sometimes people just don’t want to be together any more. We can help, either way. Rest assured, we will absolutely not be sharing your private information.

What questions do you have?

Once you’ve got your destination in mind, your information gathered, and your forms filled out, you need to start thinking about what questions you have. Start a list – on paper, or in your phone, whatever works for you. Keep that list handy so that you can add to it as questions arise. Bring your list to your appointment and bring something to take notes with – again, paper, phone, whatever you are most comfortable with. We can’t promise to answer all of your questions in your first meeting – legal questions are often answered with the phrase, “It depends.” We should be able to answer a lot of them, though. There also may be other blog posts here on the website that answer your questions. Take a look at those, and check out our new podcasts.

Move forward!

Sometimes it’s hard to make that first phone call to book a consultation. It’s a first step in a complex process. If you want to call, we can get started on the phone, but if it’s easier to fill out a form, use the “Request a Consultation” button on the homepage to start the process. We’re here to help you move forward.

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019. She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English. She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History. After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian. In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.

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Top 10 Questions to Ask Before Hiring a Family Lawyer in 2025

Top 10 Mistakes to Avoid During the Divorce Process

We do our very best to keep the divorce process as simple, conflict-free, and by-the-book as possible. Sometimes our clients unintentionally make mistakes that complicate the process. What are some of the mistakes we see? Here are some things you should not do while you’re getting divorced:

Don’t overshare on social media

A lot of people are very online, from Instagram to TikTok to Facebook. It’s best to avoid talking about your legal matters on any social media platform. Even if you have blocked your spouse, he or she may have friends or family members who will share your posts with them. Ranting or raving about your case will never help, and anything you post can be used as evidence in court.

Don’t post pictures or information about your social life, parties you’ve been to, or money you’ve spent. If you can’t resist sharing, you may need to shut down your social media accounts until your case is over.

Don’t get into altercations or aggressive confrontations

Emotions run high during divorces and separations, but don’t try to provoke your spouse and in turn, don’t let them get under your skin. You really do not want a disagreement to turn into an altercation requiring police intervention.

People who know each other well also know how to push each other’s buttons. Learn to recognize when that is happening and don’t react. Likewise, don’t be on the other side of this: don’t pick fights. It’s in nobody’s best interest.

Don’t discuss legal matters with your soon-to-be ex

In a truly amicable split, this doesn’t necessarily apply. We see clients who have worked out all of the details of their uncontested divorce before they even call us. That’s a great situation to be in. But if you can’t talk without arguing, if someone is manipulative or dishonest or abusive, just let the attorneys do the talking.

You can always say “Have your attorney contact mine.” And don’t sign anything at all without your lawyer’s advice! You’ve probably spent a good deal of money for representation – let your attorney represent your best interests.

Don’t use your children against your spouse

We sometimes see people trying to withhold visitation, or saying terrible things about their partner to their children. Don’t do this! Try to make this process as painless as possible for them. Using them to punish their other parent harms them the most. Whether it’s true or not, avoid insulting or degrading your partner to your kids. They’re already having a hard time, so don’t put them in the middle of it.

In a contested divorce there will frequently be a parenting plan or temporary visitation schedule in place. Abide by it to the letter! If you feel your spouse is dangerous or irresponsible, take it up with your attorney.

Don’t have arguments in writing

Everything you say in a text, email, or DM can potentially be used as evidence in court. Remember, the internet is forever! Refrain from being aggressive or insulting. Definitely do not threaten your ex. Don’t admit to wrongdoing or even anything that might be prejudicial. Use caution when communicating with your ex and his or her family and close friends.

Don’t start dating someone else while you’re still married

Until your divorce is final, i.e. signed by the judge, this is still considered adultery in the state of Alabama. It can hurt your case, and definitely will not help your case. It can also cause your ex to be even more spiteful or vengeful if they’re mad that you’ve moved on. Some clients don’t want to hear this, but just refrain from jumping back into the dating pool until you are legally done with the marriage. If you have children, they will need some time to adjust to your separation before meeting a new partner.

Don’t drink or use drugs during the divorce

We know that drinking is legal (and in some places, a few recreational drugs). But again, it’s not a good look, and it can come up in court if your partner wants to go there. We see exes claiming that someone is a bad parent because they party.

You may actually be the better parent, but you don’t want the judge to think you’re partying all the time.

Particularly be sure not to drink or do drugs around your children, and make sure they do not have access to any that you may have in the house. Be aware that in many cases, the court will order a drug test if your ex asks them to.

You need to be able to pass a drug test with no notice at all. If you do decide to drink when you’re not around your children, don’t post it on social media. Divorce is an extremely stressful time, and it is easy to get on a slippery slope with too much alcohol consumption.

If you have concerns about your drinking, or if your spouse has ever accused you of drinking too much, the best course of action is not to drink alcohol while your case is pending. Drugs are illegal in Alabama, so obviously you should not use drugs at all.

Don’t respond immediately to texts or emails

It’s hard sometimes to take a deep breath and walk away from an argument, or an annoying email or text, but train yourself to do it. Take some time and think about it. Do you want the answer that’s in your head read out in court?

It may even be that you don’t need to answer at all. Or the answer is, take it up with my attorney. This also applies to friends and family of your ex, who may be texting to share their opinion or try to get information from you. Conversely, don’t be that person who has their mommy or best friend try to spy on your ex. Take the high road.

Don’t yell at us, please

Well, this may be a little self-serving, but remember that your attorney’s entire team is on your side, so please be patient and courteous no matter who you are talking to.

We all want success for your case.

We know you are going through it. All of our clients are going through it. Rudeness and yelling won’t change the way the legal process works. The process can be slow, it can be infuriating, it can be frustrating. We get it. We’re all doing our best here.

Don’t lie to your attorney

This one should be a no-brainer, but alas, some people need to hear this. Even people with great judgment are probably not at their best during the divorce process. So be honest with your attorney.

Trust us, we’ve heard it all. More than you can imagine. Some of the most important things to be honest about are finances, assets, criminal records, mental health issues, and infidelity. However, anything that affects you, your children, and your case needs to be shared with us.

Please don’t have your attorney surprised in court with evidence of something they didn’t know about. Even if it’s embarrassing, let us know right away! We cannot properly prepare for your case if we don’t know what is really going on. Remember, everything you tell us is confidential.

DO call us for us a consultation

You can of course call us during business hours, or you can go to our website and click “request a consultation.” We can almost always see you within a week or two, and we will always get back to you very quickly.

Author: Jill Chancey

Jill Chancey is a New Orleans native who has called Mobile home since 2019. She attended Trinity University in San Antonio, majoring in Art History and English. She also has an MA and a PhD in Art History. After earning a certificate in Paralegal Studies, she pivoted to the legal profession after several decades as an art historian. In her free time she enjoys science fiction, art museums, and collecting and reselling vintage design.

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