After 15 years of practicing divorce and family law, I sometimes think I have heard it all, but people continue to surprise me.  Although every case is different, we hear a lot of common themes over and over.  The most common reasons I see, ranked in order, for people getting divorced are as follows:

1. Lack of Communication or Common Interests.  This may not be the tabloid fodder you would imagine, but the number one reason I see for people getting divorced is a simple lack of communication or common interests.  I hear clients over and over say things like “we are like roommates;” “we never talk;” and “we have nothing in common.”  This may be the case from the beginning and becomes more pronounced as the excitement of a new relationship wears off.  Others may simply grow apart over time.  We also see many cases where people neglect their marital relationship and devote all of their focus to co-parenting their children, only to realize there isn’t much of a marriage left once your children grow up and leave the nest.

2. Money.  This is a big one!  “Financial infidelity,” which I would describe as lying or secrecy about money and spending is one of the top causes of divorce.  If one spouse is a saver and one is a spender, that is hard to reconcile.  If you get married, only to learn that your spouse has tens of thousands of dollars in debt that they never told you about, that is a pretty big betrayal.  Betrayal about money often bleeds over into other areas as well.  Marriage is a partnership, and honesty and full disclosure about your finances is key.

3. All other “fault” reasons, to include adultery, substance abuse or other addiction, and domestic violence.  

Those of us who have not had personal experience with divorce tend to believe that the vast majority of divorces fall into the “fault” category, where one spouse has done something terrible and the other spouse has no choice but to get divorced, but this simply is not the case.  Most people getting divorced are normal people just like you, believe it or not!  Even if your situation falls into one of these extreme scenarios, you can come out the other side a happier, and stronger person.  I always tell my clients, some people say life is too short, but I say life is too long to live in a miserable marriage.  You have options, and you have the power to make changes in your life.

There are a lot of common misconceptions about divorce.  Most people getting divorced have never had any interaction with the legal system or litigation so it can be very overwhelming.  Everyone knows someone who knows someone who has been divorced, and all of the sudden they think they know what is going to happen in your divorce.  Every situation is different, and there are a lot of misconceptions and myths out there.  Here are a few:

“I can’t move out of the house because that is abandonment.”  

The Alabama Code sets out one of the fault grounds for divorce as follows: For voluntary abandonment from bed and board for one year next preceding the filing of the complaint.  You would have to leave for over a year, over the objection of your spouse, prior to a divorce being filed, to constitute this legal definition of “abandonment.” You do not forfeit any legal rights if you and your spouse are getting divorced and you decide to separate.

“My husband cheated on me so that means I will get alimony.”  

Alimony is designed to her maintain financially dependent spouse in the lifestyle to which they were accustomed during the marriage.  While fault such as adultery will certainly be considered by the court, alimony is primarily determined by one spouse’s need and the other spouse’s ability to pay.  If you earn more money than your husband, even if he cheated on you, you are not going to get alimony because you are not the financially dependent spouse.

“Moms always get custody of the children.”

Courts are bound determine child custody based on the best interests of the children.  Frequently, that ends up being the mother, especially of very young children, due to the fact that, in a lot of families, the mother is the primary caregiver of the children.  Under the law, there is no gender preference for mothers over fathers in terms of custody, and the Court will consider the facts and circumstances of your family and your particular situation in determining what is best for the children.  Equal parenting time, or joint physical custody, of children is becoming much more common and mothers and fathers both work outside the home and equally share parenting responsibilties these days.

When you and your spouse decide to get divorced, one of the hardest things you can do is telling your children.

1) Be honest, but engage in age appropriate communication with your children.  A two-year-old and an eleven-year-old process and understand information very differently.  You need to do some research on age-appropriate communication given the age of your children.  The Domestic Relations Court in Mobile, Alabama requires divorcing parents to each undergo a class called Helping Children Cope with Divorce, which has some great tips.  You can learn more about the class here: https://www.lifelinesmobile.org/helping-children-cope-with-divorce

2) Present a united front (if possible).  If it is physically and emotionally safe for you and your children, try to sit them down and speak with them together. Maintain consistency in your messaging between you and your spouse.  If domestic violence is an issue in your relationship, then this may not be an option, and that is OK.  Every family is different, and safety must always be the number one priority.

3) Avoid assigning blame.  If you caught your spouse sexting with a co-worker, your children don’t need to know that.  Those are adult problems.  It is not important or helpful for your children to know whose “fault” the divorce is.  What is important is to communicate to your children that it is not their fault, and you love them and you are a family no matter what.  

4) Explain to your children what will happen next.  Tell your children what will change and what will stay the same.  If one of you is going to go ahead and move out, explain that to your children and what the temporary arrangements are for them to spend time with both of you.  If the children are going to have to move or change schools, you need to prepare them for that too.

5) Reassurance is of utmost importance.  Your children may be confused and scared, and you may be confused and scared too, but remember, you are the adult and they are the child.  It is your responsibility to tell them that, even though this hard, everything is going to be OK.  There may be a lot of uncertainty, but give them what reassurances you can such as that they will still get to see their friends and grandparents, they will still get to participate in their extracurriculars, and above all else, that you love them no matter what.  Your children are counting on you more than ever.