4 Tips for Communicating with a High Conflict Person
First of all, what is a high conflict person (HCP)? This term often refers to individuals who have diagnosable personality disorders, but divorce and custody litigation are times of high stress that can lead even healthy individuals to be on their worst behavior. HCP is characterized by a pattern of behaviors that serve to increase conflict rather than resolve it. Examples of these behaviors are:
All or nothing thinking
Unmanaged emotions
Extreme behaviors
Blaming others
(Source: Billy Eddy, LSCW, JD, www.highconflictinstitute.com)
As a family law attorney with Herlihy Family Law, I frequently have clients who are struggling to communicate with a high conflict person. Some tips I give my clients are:
Don’t try to convince them they are wrong or are being unfair.
Logic does not work with someone who is embroiled in irrational thinking.
Abandon the goal of “winning” an argument with them.
HCPs like to argue so continuing to fight will only ensure that you remain trapped in a power struggle with them.
Focus on the ultimate goal.
If your goal is to coach Susie’s soccer team and they bring up that time you did something they did not like ten years ago, do not respond. Instead, re-direct the conversation back to the topic at hand.
Keep your communication professional.
Remember, your romantic relationship with this person is over, so it is not helpful to you to approach them on those terms. Remain calm and business-like. If necessary, restrict your communication with the HCP to written-only methods, such as email.
When it comes to divorce, child custody and visitation disputes are no picnic. These events can be a very emotional and intense process. Frequently in divorce, child custody, or visitation disputes a Guardian Ad Litem, also known as a GAL, will be appointed.
In Alabama, a GAL is an attorney appointed by the court to represent the “best interests” of the child or children involved. A GAL’s duty is not necessarily to advocate for what the child wants which can sometimes be opposed to what is in the child’s best interests. The Guardian Ad Litem will often be asked to present a report and recommendation to the Court for consideration at the conclusion of the case, and, while the Court will take into consideration the recommendation of the GAL, the Court is not bound by what the GAL recommends.
A Guardian Ad Litem is not only appointed in divorce and custody cases but might also be appointed in cases such as;
• Minors involved without living parents
• Juvenile Delinquency Cases
• Child Abuse and Neglect cases
• Guardianships, Conservatorships and Decedents’ Estates in Probate Court.
• Civil Suits of all kinds where minors are involved.
Wondering how to file for divorce? The divorce process can be confusing and complex if you haven’t divorced before. It is important you hire an experienced divorce attorney to represent you and help you navigate the process.
At Herlihy Family Law, we have over 12 years of experience and helped thousands successfully file for divorce. Watch the video below to learn more about where you can begin.
We all know that divorces can become very ugly, very fast. It is not in your best interest to have your head in the clouds when your spouse is thinking strategically.
Top Ten Ways to Prepare for Divorce:
Hire an Attorney Immediately!
Gather Copies of Records and Crucial Documents
Have Access to Your Own Money
Be Aware of Outstanding Bills and Debts
Keep a Daily Journal/Calendar of Significant Events
Change Passwords to All Online Accounts (email, banking, Facebook, etc.)
Do NOT Say, Text, Email, or Post on Facebook Anything that You Do Not Want Your Divorce Judge or the Police to Hear
Prepare to Be Treated Like the Enemy by Your Spouse
Keep Track of All Mail Coming to Your House
Do NOT Involve Your Children in Adult Problems
**The above list is for educational purposes only and is not meant to provide legal advice. Every case is different, and it is essential to seek legal advice immediately.**
For most children the holidays are happy, fun and exciting. Children are on a break from school, and the holidays serve as a time to see friends and relatives and enjoy special food and family traditions. For some children, however, the holidays can be stressful and confusing. When parents are newly divorced, the holidays often remind children of what has changed in their lives. Although things have changed, it is important to make sure that both the children and the parents have peaceful holidays.
For those parenting out of two households, seasonal festivities often send stress levels soaring. But with these useful tips, these stressful situations can be manageable for the children as well as the parents.
Keep the holidays tension free. Orchestrating a Christmas between split parents can be frustrating. But be mindful that they key to making things work for the children is to have a tension free holiday. If you can reasonably manage your feelings, a holiday together could be meaningful for the children. If not, you will be better having separate celebrations. Just keep in mind that even though you may have personal differences, putting on a tension free front to your children will be for their best interests.
Keep the children in the loop, and smooth out transitions. Going back and forth between two households during the holidays can be challenging as well as frustrating for children. Many kids will not understand why they are being shuffled between so many people and locations. Keep the children in the know of what is going on and give them a heads up of what’s next. Instead of telling them when it is time to go without notice, inform the children of what the plan is ahead of time. Set time aside to sit down with your children before the holidays begin and map out a schedule for them. The more they know ahead of time, the easier the transition from one family to another will be.
Don’t focus on “fair”, but what is right for the children. When it comes to scheduling holidays between households, parents can often become overly concerned with conflict or competition with each other and forget how it feels for the children. But parents must remember that what is “fair” for the mother and father may not be what is best for the children. Do your best to stay flexible and make sure to keep your children’s needs at the top of your agenda.
Holidays present challenges for lots of families. While the holidays can be stressful, keeping the children’s best interest in mind will be the best way to ensure that you and your family have a stress-free holiday. Talk with your children. Ask them what they would like, and do your best to take that into account. By following these tips, you can make sure that you and your children have a successful holiday season.
January is traditionally a time for new beginnings. Many people set New Year’s Resolutions for themselves, and they begin to turn over new leaves in their lives. During these new beginnings, January is also the time we see the most new divorce filings. If you have been contemplating the idea of divorcing your significant other, but excuses keep standing in your way, then this is the year that you need to let go and move on. Facing fears of moving on can be scary, but it is also the first step of becoming who you will be once the divorce has been finalized and you have moved forward in your life. Below are a few good reasons why it is beneficial to file for divorce at the beginning of the new year:
1. Re-discovering yourself on your own is liberating!
If the new year is a great time to get healthier, get out of debt, or plan to travel more, it is also a good time to open a whole new chapter in your life. If the thought of being alone has scared you and kept you from filing for divorce in the past, then you have been letting fear control your future. As anyone who has been in an unhappy relationship knows, it is often much lonelier to be with someone who doesn’t “get” you anymore than it is to be single. It is time to change! When you decide to move forward with divorce proceedings and suddenly find yourself single for the first time in a while, you find new interests, friends and hobbies that you neglected to pursue in your past relationship. By doing this, you will begin to discover that piece of yourself that has been missing.
2. The longer you stay, the more you could pay.
Deciding whether or not you should file for divorce from your spouse is undoubtedly a decision that deserves very careful thought. However, there comes a time when a decision must be made. If you know it is over, don’t let fear keep you in a bad relationship. Also, the more time that you spend with your spouse, the more money is accrued in your marital accounts and the more you risk losing when it comes time to settle your finances. So while you should never rush the decision, try to remember that the more time you spend in undecided self-reflection, the more money you may be putting on the line in the long run.
3. You know what your income picture looks like.
In January of each year, you know what your prior full-year of income, expenses, and debts looks like. This is especially important if you have income that fluctuates due to self-employment, overtime, commissions, rents, and other streams of income. In addition, you may have your year-end bonus in the bank waiting to help you hire an attorney, move out and move on.
4. Removing toxic people from your life opens new doors.
If your marriage is unsupportive, abusive, unfulfilling or just plain unhappy, staying in the relationship is bound to give you self-respect issues. Many believe that after a while that lack of passion is inevitable and that you are not worthy of affection and love. But that is wrong! You deserve to be in a relationship that is uplifting and positive, receiving encouragement and love from your partner. Once you decide to leave your spouse, you will feel hopeful, lighter and ready for all the new adventure that life has in store for you.
5. It’s a great time to plan for the future.
You may have just experienced your last Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family. January is a great time to think about new traditions. Also, January is the perfect time to plan your financial future – who will pay the Visa card? Will I keep the house or get a new place? Who will get the mortgage interest deduction? What access to funds will I have to start over? Should I take this as an opportunity to further my education? Should I change careers or stick with my current path? What custody, visitation or parenting time arrangements work best for our family? The longer into each year that you wait to make these kinds of decisions makes them that much harder.
There is absolutely no better time than now to begin a new life and a new you. So, if you have been weighing your options and know that you have a second chance during this new year, it is time to use these helpful tips and start becoming the new you!
