What to Do Immediately After Divorce: 7 Essential Steps to Take

by Alison Herlihy | Apr 8, 2024 | Alabama, Divorce, Significant Decisions

What to Do Immediately After Divorce: 7 Essential Steps to Take

Going through a divorce often leaves people with a lot of questions and uncertainty. One of the first things you might be wondering is what to do immediately after divorce.

Divorce is one of the hardest things you can experience in life. Research has shown that it ranks second only to the death of a loved one in terms of traumatic life events. Given this information, it is no surprise that you might feel grief, depression, confusion, and loss after your divorce.

Here at Herlihy Family Law, we think of divorce as not merely an ending, but a new beginning, a fresh start. Your divorce can be your opportunity to write new chapter in your life.

1. Rebuilding Your Life

How do you rebuild your life after a divorce? First of all, consider it an opportunity to start over without all the conflict and strife that led you to divorce in the first place. You can create your life in your own image – that is an opportunity!

Take an inventory of the resources you have from your divorce, so you can know what you have and what you need to start over. You have a lot of big decisions to make, from where to live to how to raise your children in this new family dynamic.

Consider what your priorities are and make choices that will help you meet your goals and generate long-term happiness and well-being in your life.

2. Taking Care of Yourself

Like they say on airplanes, put your oxygen mask on yourself before trying to assist others. You need to not only survive but thrive to be the best person and parent you can be (if you have children).

You have been through a lot, and it is important to give yourself the time and space you need to emotionally recover from your divorce. Get plenty of rest, and maybe even take a vacation. Adopt other self-care strategies such as meditation, spending time outside, exercise, or journaling.

Avoid negative coping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, junk food, shopping, or rushing into a new relationship when you are not ready. Try to think about not what might feel good right this second, but what will make you feel good tomorrow, next week, or next year.

3. Establishing a Support Network

Divorce may make you feel alone, but if you turn to your left and your right, odds are, you will see someone else who has been divorced and understands what you are going through.

Family and friends can be a great support system, but on the off chance that the people in your immediate network have not experienced divorce, there are plenty of support groups in person and online full of people who have gone through a divorce just like you.

When you are looking for your support network after your divorce, look for people who are ready, willing, and able to listen and be empathetic, but not try to “fix” you – you aren’t broken, you are just divorced.

4. Handling Financial Matters

If you have received a financial settlement from your divorce, you need to make a plan for your assets that will provide long-term security. Many people who get divorced end up with half the equity in their marital home.

Typically, you would use those funds as a down payment on your new home. Today, mortgage interest rates are very high, so you may decide that it is not the best time to buy and you want to invest the money instead.

You might also receive a portion of your spouse’s retirement account. It is important to understand that, if you are under age 59 ½ , you cannot receive retirement funds as cash without paying substantial taxes and penalties. Thinking long term, you likely want to plan to roll any retirement funds you receive in your divorce over to an Individual Retirement Account because you can do so without taxes and penalties.

Speaking of taxes, you will have a new tax filing status after your divorce. You can only file income tax returns as “married” if you were still married on December 31st of that tax year. After your divorce, you can file as single or possibly as head of household if you have minor children who live with you.

If you are employed, you will need to contact your payroll department to make sure they are withholding the correct amount of taxes from your paycheck due to your new status.

You will also need to go through the process of separating any joint bills such as utilities, car insurance, and cellphones once you are divorced.

5. Co-Parenting Strategies

Figuring out co-parenting can be one of the most challenging aspects of life after divorce. It is best for your children if you and your former spouse can cooperate and work together to make mutual decisions that benefit your children and serve their best interests. \

Parents who continue to constantly fight and argue after divorce are often referred to as “high conflict.” There is a huge amount of research that shows that children of “high conflict” parents suffer poor outcomes throughout their life, including higher instances of depression and anxiety, difficulty in relationships throughout their life, and they are even less likely to go to college. You obviously do not want any of that!

Children of divorce will thrive every bit as much as children of intact marriages, if their parents can find a way to avoid high conflict and co-parent effectively after divorce.

6. Seeking Professional Help

If you are not sure how to navigate all the changes that follow a divorce, it is time to seek professional help. Your divorce lawyer can be a tremendous resource in exploring your options and referring you to other professionals, provided your divorce lawyer is very experienced in divorce.

If you feel lost in making financial decisions, you can contact a Certified Public Accountant (CPA) or a financial planner or advisor. They can help you figure out your taxes and make smart decisions on how to invest your money and save for the future.

If you are struggling with your own emotions following your divorce, seek the help of an individual therapist. Therapists are professionals who are skilled in helping guide people through challenging times. There is no shame in seeking help if you need it!

Your children may need individual therapy as well if they are struggling to adjust to the major changes that come with divorce.

If your challenge revolves around co-parenting, finding a therapist who specializes in family counseling and/or co-parenting would be a good fit for your situation.

7. Embracing the Future

Above all else, divorce is a fresh start. Divorce is an opportunity to embrace a new future – one that you create in service of your own goals, dreams, and values.

If you are going through a divorce and wondering what to do immediately after divorce, use these steps as your guide. If you have any questions about divorce and navigating your post-divorce life and you want a divorce attorney who can help you not only with your divorce but also provide a post-divorce checklist to get you on the right track, reach out to our team.

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Author: Alison Herlihy

Family law attorney Alison Herlihy is a native of Mobile, Alabama. Alison has engaged in the private practice of family law since 2005, focusing primarily on domestic relations, divorce and child support, child custody law, adoption law, juvenile, probate practice, and wills.

Alison Baxter Herlihy earned the prestigious AV Preeminent peer review rating from Martindale-Hubbell, which recognizes attorneys for the highest levels of legal ability and professional ethical standards. Alison is a certified Guardian Ad Litem. In 2015, Alison became a Registered Mediator on the Alabama State Court Mediator Roster, in both general and domestic relations mediation.

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8 Different Types of Child Custody Explained

by Alison Herlihy | Mar 7, 2024 | Children, Custody, Divorce, Family, Family Law

8 Different Types of Child Custody Explained

When it comes to getting divorced with children involved, most people don’t realize there are several types of child custody arrangements. In this article, we will explain eight different types of child custody.

1. Legal Custody: Making Decisions for the Child’s Future

Legal Custody means the power to make major decisions regarding your child’s future and welfare. In Alabama, parents can have sole legal custody or joint legal custody.

Alabama Code defines sole legal custody as “One parent has sole rights and responsibilities to make major decisions concerning the child, including, but not limited to, the education of the child, health care, and religious training.” Ala. Code 30-3-151 Definitions (Code Of Alabama (2024 Edition))

Alabama Code defines joint legal custody as:

Both parents have equal rights and responsibilities for major decisions concerning the child, including, but not limited to, the education of the child, health care, and religious training.

The court may designate one parent to have the sole power to make certain decisions while both parents retain equal rights and responsibilities for other decisions.

Ala. Code 30-3-151 Definitions (Code Of Alabama (2024 Edition))

Joint legal custody is the most typical form of legal custody that we see here in Mobile and Baldwin Counties in divorce and other custody orders. When parents have joint legal custody, they are expected to work together to try to make joint decisions about the child on matters such as education, extra-curricular activities, health care, and religion, whenever possible.

Typically, the parent who has physical custody ends up having the final say on major decisions, or the court may designate one parent or the other as a tiebreaker decisionmaker over particular decisions.

2. Physical Custody: Understanding Where the Child Resides

Physical custody is where the child resides. As discussed above, the parent with physical custody ends up having the final say on major decisions regarding the child most of the time, unless otherwise specified.

The terms “primary physical custody” or “primary custody” are terms that have also been used interchangeably with physical custody, but they are not terms that are listed in the Alabama Code.

3. Sole Physical Custody: What It Means for Parents

The Alabama Code defines Sole Physical Custody as “One parent has sole physical custody and the other parent has rights of visitation except as otherwise provided by the court.” Ala. Code 30-3-151 Definitions (Code Of Alabama (2024 Edition)).

In a typical sole physical custody arrangement, the children will live with one parent most of the time and have visitation with the other parent, including alternate weekends and one night of mid-week visitation each week.

4. Joint Physical Custody: Collaborative Parenting Solutions

Joint Physical Custody is defined by Alabama Code as “Physical custody is shared by the parents in a way that assures the child frequent and substantial contact with each parent.

Joint physical custody does not necessarily mean physical custody of equal durations of time.” Ala. Code 30-3-151 Definitions (Code Of Alabama (2024 Edition)).

While joint custody is does not necessarily mean equal amounts of time with each parent, in practice, it typically does mean equal amounts of time with each parent.

The most common joint custody arrangement seen in Mobile and Baldwin County, Alabama is alternating weeks of custody, changing the children either on Fridays or Sundays.

Another arrangement families with younger children sometimes use is known as a “2-2-5” schedule. An example would be that Mom has the children Mondays and Tuesdays, Dad has the children Wednesdays and Thursdays, and the parents alternate weekends.

This means the children never have to go an entire week without seeing their other parent.

5. Joint Custody: Balancing Time and Responsibilities

Joint Custody is defined under Alabama Code as both joint legal and physical custody. Joint custody can be very successful, but there are a lot of factors that go into making joint custody a success or not.

First, how will you handle major decisions? Your arrangement could be true joint where you have to agree on all major decisions. Another option would be to make one parent the final tiebreaker for all major decisions. Yet another option would be to divide these responsibilities up.

For instance, Mom can be the final decisionmaker regarding academics and extracurricular activities, and Dad can be the final decisionmaker regarding health care and religion. If other topics are important to your family, you could include those as well.

Second, where will you each live after the divorce? Joint custody requires a lot of going back and forth, and it makes things easier on the parents and the children if you live fairly close to each other.

Third, what will your schedule be? Week on, week off is the most common option, but there are other options as discussed above.

Finally, are you able to cooperate and work together for the benefit of the children? This is key for joint custody to work, and it is one of the factors listed in the Alabama Code that the court must consider when awarding joint custody.

6. Temporary Custody: A Temporary Solution for Families

Temporary Custody is typically only awarded in a divorce when there is an emergent or urgent situation affecting the well-being of the minor children, as most parties end up living together while their divorce is pending.

If there is a major emergency, such as severe domestic violence or other danger to the child, a court can even award temporary custody on an ex parte basis, which means without giving advanced notice to the other party.

When temporary custody is at issue, a court will often appoint a Guardian Ad Litem to interview the parents and children and make assessments about whether such an order is warranted or whether a temporary hearing is necessary.

Temporary custody is just temporary, however, and is ordered without prejudice to either party pending a final order.

7. Third-Party Custody: When Someone Else Steps In

Sometimes, neither parent is fit to have custody of their children due to drugs, alcohol, abuse or other issues. When that happens, the Court is required to give custody to someone other than the parents to protect the best interests of the children.

In a divorce, a non-parent can intervene in the parents’ divorce case to ask for custody. If the parents were never married or there is no divorce pending, then the non-parent can file a dependency petition in juvenile court.

Typically, courts prefer that the children be placed with a relative such as a grandparent, aunt, or uncle. If there are no appropriate relatives, then the court may have to award custody of the children to the Department of Human Resources.

8. Split Custody: Dividing Custody between Siblings

Perhaps the most unusual custody arrangement is split custody where some of the children live primarily with one parent and some of the children live primarily with the other parent. This arrangement is disfavored under Alabama law and is used only under exceptional circumstances.

Author: Alison Herlihy

Family law attorney Alison Herlihy is a native of Mobile, Alabama. Alison has engaged in the private practice of family law since 2005, focusing primarily on domestic relations, divorce and child support, child custody law, adoption law, juvenile, probate practice, and wills.

Alison Baxter Herlihy earned the prestigious AV Preeminent peer review rating from Martindale-Hubbell, which recognizes attorneys for the highest levels of legal ability and professional ethical standards. Alison is a certified Guardian Ad Litem. In 2015, Alison became a Registered Mediator on the Alabama State Court Mediator Roster, in both general and domestic relations mediation.

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How can alcohol use affect a divorce?

by Alison Herlihy | Feb 9, 2024 | Alabama, Divorce, Family Law, Mobile

How can alcohol use affect a divorce?

It is Mardi Gras season here in Mobile, Alabama and, while we all enjoy a little revelry, there is no denying the fact that alcohol use often turns into alcohol misuse and even alcohol abuse. You may be wondering how can alcohol use can affect a divorce?

Did you know that heavy alcohol use is very strongly correlated with divorce?

In other words, if one spouse is a heavy drinker or has an alcohol use disorder, the couple is much more likely to get divorced.

Studies have shown that 50% of people with an alcohol use disorder get divorced at some point in their lives, whereas only 30% of people without an alcohol use disorder get divorced.

Divorce and Alcohol Abuse go hand-in-hand in other ways as well. Divorce is one of the most stressful and traumatic life events that anyone can go through, and a lot of people turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism during times of extreme stress.

Alcohol may seem like a quick fix but it is more harmful than helpful as a coping mechanism.

When you are going through a divorce, your sleep is likely to be disrupted – Alcohol makes that worse. Divorce can also cause feelings of depression, anxiety, shame, and anger – Alcohol exacerbates all of those feelings.

If there is domestic violence in your marriage – Alcohol almost always makes violence more severe.

How do you know if you or your spouse has an alcohol problem? Here are a few common signs:

History of alcohol-related arrests, particularly traffic offenses such as DUIs.
Difficulty maintaining employment
Interpersonal relationship issues in a variety of contexts such as family, friends, and coworkers
Medical issues that could be addressed by reducing or eliminating alcohol consumption
Excessive spending on alcohol
Making or changing plans to accommodate alcohol use
Refusing to stop drinking even when it causes a detrimental effect on the person’s well-being and the well-being of others around them
Family and friends have raised concerns about your drinking

If you are concerned that you may be turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism too much or if your spouse has accused you of having an alcohol problem, the best thing you can do is to stop drinking.

If you are unable to do that on your own, seek help. If you have any concerns that you are physically dependent on alcohol, you must have medical supervision to stop drinking as your health can become significantly endangered.

If you feel strongly that your spouse has an alcohol use disorder, and they refuse to seek help or stop drinking, your only option may be to get divorced for your own well-being and maybe even your safety.

How does alcohol use affect a divorce?

If one spouse in a divorce has an alcohol use disorder, the Court has the discretion to conclude that they are at fault for the breakdown of the marriage.

If the Court finds that one spouse is at fault, then they may sanction that spouse by awarding them a smaller share of the marital estate or ordering them to pay the other spouse’s attorney’s fees.

If you have minor children, a parent’s abuse or misuse of alcohol can be a very significant factor in your case.

In a divorce, the best interests of the children are of paramount importance. The Court will not want to place the children in a situation that is dangerous; however, if you have concerns that your spouse’s drinking is dangerous, you will have to be able to prove it.

Possible sources of proof include your testimony, the eyewitness testimony of others, criminal records, financial records, medical records, photos, videos, audio recordings, and text messages.

If there is a concern that the person will still drink even if Court-ordered not to, the Court can put alcohol monitoring in place through Soberlink or a similar program.

In general, alcohol abuse and misuse make divorce even more difficult than it already is.

If your spouse has the problem, then they are very likely to make the divorce more contentious and difficult than it already is. If you have the problem, then you are making an already challenging situation even more challenging for yourself, and you need to seek help if you cannot quit on your own.

Even if you don’t have a problem, there are much healthier coping mechanisms than alcohol, such as therapy, exercise, quality time with loved ones, and getting enough sleep.

The metaphor I often use with clients is that alcohol during a divorce is like pouring gasoline on a fire. For your own mental health, physical safety, and the well-being of your children if you have children, avoid alcohol during your divorce if you have any questions or concerns about your alcohol use.

If you think you need help or are seeking help for a loved one with an alcohol use disorder, you can call the National Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 800-662-4357 to obtain confidential help from public health agencies to find substance use treatment and information.

Author: Alison Herlihy

Family law attorney Alison Herlihy is a native of Mobile, Alabama. Alison has engaged in the private practice of family law since 2005, focusing primarily on domestic relations, divorce and child support, child custody law, adoption law, juvenile, probate practice, and wills.

Alison Baxter Herlihy earned the prestigious AV Preeminent peer review rating from Martindale-Hubbell, which recognizes attorneys for the highest levels of legal ability and professional ethical standards. Alison is a certified Guardian Ad Litem. In 2015, Alison became a Registered Mediator on the Alabama State Court Mediator Roster, in both general and domestic relations mediation.

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4 Signs That it is Time to Get Divorced

by Alison Herlihy | Jan 15, 2024 | Divorce, Family, Family Law, Significant Decisions

4 Signs That it is Time to Get Divorced

How do you know when it is time to get divorced? There are several signs that it is time to get divorced and we will cover four of the most common signs of divorce in this article.

Divorce is one of the most serious and difficult decisions you can make, and only you can decide if you are ready to get divorced. Even though every case and every marriage is different, we have seen a lot of common themes over the years that indicate it is time to get divorced.

Here are four signs that it is time to get divorced:

Winning is everything

Believe it or not, it is normal for couples to argue from time to time. In fact, it may be a concerning sign if you never argue!

If your arguments get to the point that solving the issue at hand is not the goal, but rather winning and shifting blame is all that matters, then it may be time to get divorced.

Being willing to work hard to resolve your disagreements and come to a mutual resolution is a sign of a healthy relationship.

Just a few examples:

If your partner constantly criticizes you and nothing you ever do is good enough, even though they are not perfect.
If you or your partner becomes focused more on evidence and facts rather than feelings; i.e. you cannot communicate your unhappiness and stress without them bringing receipts to prove your feelings are wrong.
If you raise an issue or concern and they immediately change the subject to shift blame to you, such as “I only yelled at you because you won’t clean up the kitchen!”
Whataboutism – every time you raise an issue of concern they are ready with a laundry list of everything they think you have ever done wrong.

If you and/or your partner would rather be right than happy, it may be time to get divorced.

Avoidance and Absence

If you and your partner are coexisting in the same space and not communicating, it may be time to get divorced. In a partnership, your partner is your go-to person that you can confide in and lean on when times get tough.

If you don’t want to confide in them or lean on them, or you can’t, that is a sign that your relationship is over. You may find yourselves wanting to get emotional support from others, or not wanting to check in with them on how they are doing. They don’t answer the phone when you call or respond to your texts.

Basic communication and courtesy break down or no longer exists. That might mean your heart, or theirs, is not in the marriage anymore.

If you or your partner choose to change your habits so that you are physically not around each other as much, that can also be a sign that it is time to get divorced.

For instance, if your partner faithfully got home at 5:30pm for years and now they never get home until after the kids are in bed, that can be a sign that they do not want to be home and that their attention is elsewhere.

Or, they become so invested in spending time on their hobbies or friends to the extent that they are neglecting their time with their spouse and/or their children.

People can choose to withdraw themselves from a marriage by both avoidance and their physical absence. If this is your situation, it may be time to get divorced.

Physical violence

Once things are at the point where conflicts escalate to physical violence, that is a good sign that it is time to get divorced.

Everyone has the right to physical safety as a basic need, especially in their own home, and if that cannot be guaranteed in your marriage then the marriage is not a healthy one.

If you and/or your spouse think it is a good idea to resolve marital conflicts with violence, it is probably best for both of you to go your separate ways with a divorce, not only because of the physical and mental risk of harm, but also because of the risk of legal repercussions.

To some of us, it may seem extremely obvious that physical violence is a sign that it is time to get divorced.

However, there are a multitude of reasons that people do not leave violent situations. They may be financially dependent on the perpetrator or afraid to leave.

Many people have grown up in homes where violence is a regular occurrence, so when violence occurs in their relationship, it may not be obvious to them that it is time to get divorced because violence was so normalized in their family of origin.

Most importantly, if you have children, you have to consider what kind of relationships you are modeling for them. If your children are growing up with the lesson that love and violence go hand in hand, then it is time to go your separate ways and file for divorce.

Your therapist or marriage counselor tells you to get out

Most therapists or marriage counselors want to give their clients the tools and coping mechanisms to solve their problems and find their path toward a happy and fulfilling life. They are not there to tell you what to do.

If your therapist tells you it is time to get divorced for your well-being, you should seriously consider their concerns.

A marriage counselor sees both spouses and is there to try and help the spouses mend their relationship and save their marriage.

If a marriage counselor takes you aside and tells you it would be in your best interests to end the relationship, that can be a really strong sign that it is time to file for divorce.

Author: Alison Herlihy

Family law attorney Alison Herlihy is a native of Mobile, Alabama. Alison has engaged in the private practice of family law since 2005, focusing primarily on domestic relations, divorce and child support, child custody law, adoption law, juvenile, probate practice, and wills.

Alison Baxter Herlihy earned the prestigious AV Preeminent peer review rating from Martindale-Hubbell, which recognizes attorneys for the highest levels of legal ability and professional ethical standards. Alison is a certified Guardian Ad Litem. In 2015, Alison became a Registered Mediator on the Alabama State Court Mediator Roster, in both general and domestic relations mediation.

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How can I get divorced if I can’t afford a lawyer?

by Alison Herlihy | Dec 14, 2023 | Division of Assets, Divorce, Family Law, Mobile

How can I get divorced if I can’t afford a lawyer?

We get it – Divorce is expensive. Hiring a lawyer and litigating your case all the way to trial can cost thousands of dollars. Not everyone has thousands of extra dollars sitting around waiting to pay a lawyer.

Here at Herlihy Family Law, we pride ourselves on providing a highly customized, concierge level of service, guiding our clients every step of the way from their initial consultation through their final order and sometimes even beyond.

However, we appreciate and understand that level of service may be out of reach to some clients due to the expense involved, so we have developed some new, lower-cost options to serve clients who still deserve excellence but at a more approachable price point.

What are these options?

Do-It-Yourself Uncontested Divorce

An Uncontested Divorce is filed based on an agreement signed by both parties, which includes all items that need to be addressed in the divorce, from division of assets, to the sale of the homeplace, and payment of debts.

You may have heard of national companies that sell various legal documents, from uncontested divorces to wills to incorporation documents.

This idea sounds great in theory, but we have represented many clients who have purchased uncontested divorce documents from one of these companies, only to find the documents are not in compliance with state and local rules. They end up having to hire us to fix the incorrect paperwork and often end up spending more money.

To address this problem, we have developed a package that you can purchase from Herlihy Family Law if you are filing an uncontested divorce in Mobile County, Alabama, with no minor children involved.

Our uncontested divorce package is in compliance with state and local rules and we provide you with instructions on how to complete and file the forms yourself.

This option works best for people who do not have complicated assets, or maybe even have no joint assets with their spouse, and feel that they do not need legal advice, they just need a divorce!

As of December 2023, we are excited to offer this package for $500.

Again, this option involves purchasing the forms required to file your own uncontested divorce, but it does not include legal advice or representation.

Limited Scope Representation

Herlihy Family Law is also now offering limited scope representation. Limited Scope Representation means that you are being represented by an attorney but only in a limited and specified capacity, which is agreed upon by the lawyer and client in advance.

Limited Scope Representation could be beneficial to you if you have a contested divorce case, where there is not an agreement between the parties on how to resolve the divorce, but you do not have sufficient funds to retain a lawyer to take your case all the way to trial.

Our Limited Scope Representation package includes the drafting of your initial complaint or motion, if you are the Plaintiff, or your answer and counterclaim, if you are the Defendant.

It also includes the preparation of discovery questions for you to send to the opposing party to answer, as well as the preparation of your discovery answers if discovery was sent to you.

In general terms, “discovery” is questions you have to answer and documents to have to provide regarding your income, assets, debts, specific allegations you are making, and evidence that you may use in a contested divorce or other family law case.

Even if you feel capable of representing yourself at trial, it can be extremely difficult to get through the discovery process without legal help.

Limited Scope Representation does not include Herlihy Family Law filing anything with the Court for you, or any communication with the opposing party, nor would we appear in court on your behalf.

As of December 2023, this Limited Scope Representation Package will be available for a flat fee of $2500.

If you are interested in learning more about these lower-cost options from Herlihy Family Law, please call our office at 251-432-7909.

Author: Alison Herlihy

Family law attorney Alison Herlihy is a native of Mobile, Alabama. Alison has engaged in the private practice of family law since 2005, focusing primarily on domestic relations, divorce and child support, child custody law, adoption law, juvenile, probate practice, and wills.

Alison Baxter Herlihy earned the prestigious AV Preeminent peer review rating from Martindale-Hubbell, which recognizes attorneys for the highest levels of legal ability and professional ethical standards. Alison is a certified Guardian Ad Litem. In 2015, Alison became a Registered Mediator on the Alabama State Court Mediator Roster, in both general and domestic relations mediation.

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